Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Past Reminders

We only have this moment. These few precious seconds that we take for granted daily. At least I do, I think. I try not to and be consiensious of it but to no prevail I live in the future, and the past thus expereienceing anxiety and depression. I went to the gravesite of a friend of mine who passed away 10 years ago. I never went to his burial because well I was fully self induced at the time and yes I cried when I heard but I just never made the time. With the reflections in my life I am experiencing and realizing that we DO need other people when we struggle, I can now acknowledge that I am just a mortal..shocking isn't it. I never was able to bond as a child with anyone really. I never had anyone to rely or count on growing up and I spent so many days and nights unbearably alone and lonely. I still feel it from time to time in the back of my heart when I think about my days as a teenager wanting someone, anyone to say hey, how are you today, do you need to talk? Hey you know what, you are awesome, and I love you. But those days didn't come, at least I cant remember any picture perfect heart warming times, but maybe I blocked those parts out because the pain comes on too strong somdays and I just want it to shut off.

I had lunch with my oldest and dearest girlfriend and she reminded me as she always does that I have to be gentler on myself. From driving to seattle with a fear of driving to doing my job every day to the best of my ability, to be kinder and more loving to me. I forget you know, the darkness and fear have ways of seeping in and taking over the happy places, completely stripping you of your humanity at times and it can be quite frustrating. I grive for my past, I grieve for my anger, I greive for the loss of what may have, could have, and perhaps should have been. The birthdays I never had, holidays never shared, family dinners, and simply just a bonding experience of love and neutrality  that brings on the feelings of being content in life. Learning how to deal with stress and anxiety without turning to relationships or drugs to help you through and knowing you can handle anything that comes at you.

See I have this now in my life. I have my support group, I have people who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally and it is truly a blessing, but until I learn to love myself it is hard for me to fully embrace it. The pain is intense and deep and it flares up at random times. Am I punishing myself, am I getting out unresolved pain now that I am sober,  am I just trying to find my contentment, I really don't know at this point. I know I try to do the best I can, and put people ahead of me now instead of behind like I used to do. The pain is ok, because I need to feel it, it is there for a reason. I don't want to cover it anymore and bury it because every day I get closer to being ok with just being.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Daily gratitude

I wonder sometimes when I look at my life how I got so lucky. A home, my own business, almost a college graduate, a loving partner, a beautiful step child to embrace and yet I still feel empty. I take the time to remind myself of what I have, and want nothing more than to feel grateful and content, but it seems to airse only in moments of total stillness. When I wake in the morning I feel just blah then anxiety sets in and I dread getting out of bed. Sometimes I feel really out of place in this life. When I was using at least I could ignore my feelings and just be high, not having to face the normalcy of life. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, the deep, dark emptiness inside of me, looming and pulling on my coat tails. I sit and I wait as the waves of anxiety pass over me, but yet I have no answer as to why I feel this way. Granted I am only 2 years into starting to really heal my old wounds so it is quite possible that I am just in fact mourning.

When we spend our lives in a cocoon of pain and hurt, just covering it year after year and running from it, and the time finally comes that you have to face and embrace that pain, it is not an easy thing to do without medication. Granted I have tried anti depressants and found that they merely mask the real core issues inside me, thus this is why I deal with the discomfort day in and out. There are so many things left for me to do and a limited amount of time to do them, there are peoples lives I still need to touch and help, and by doing that it helps me day by day. To find some solace in this life I have avoided is my ultimate goal but at least I know it is out there somewhere. Anxiety is a strange bedfellow and if you allow it, It will take over your life one day, one thought, one moment at a time until you cannot breathe or see straight. It will suck your will and throw you in a deep well because really that is where we are most comfortable, in a dark place where we have to deal with on one. Anxiety can be over bearing and quarrelsome and really truly dibelitating. The fear it feeds off of is deep and scarring and if we allow it, it will become who we are.

I no longer claim my anxiety, I do not say "my anxiety or my depression" anymore because they do not deserve those titles in my body or mind. They are not mine, I do not want to own them and refuse now. I find humor when I can, I bring love to whom I can, and try to do my best to be a good person every day, even when I am uncomfortable or in pain. It is how I know I am human after all.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Uncanny Happenings

I finally made it. The drive to Seattle that I have been putting off for 4 years, yes 4 years. I have had this fear of doing it alone since my anxiety really reared up, but I finally made it. The journey there was quick and painless, coming back was a little harder. I rather enjoyed my time and I wished I would have had another day with my friend. Funny enough though, while I was there we ended up going out to eat, we were going to go to one spot, but changed our minds and went to another. I chose to sit in the bar as opposed to waiting for a table, and low and behold about 10 min after I sat down, one of the leaders of the pack of wolves that used to pick on me in school walked in and was seated directly behind me....what are the chances....I chose to ignore her as I left, although she did see the shit eating grin on my girlfriends face as she put her arm around my waist smiling and we casually strolled out. I felt the shock and what the...is that...moment exude from my old nemis's bloated, unhappy face, and for a moment I felt safe reeling in the fact that I was just that, safe. One of my best friends held my hand as we walked out and that bully of a beast could no longer harm me. I thought what lesson was that about? But it was brought to my attention that perhaps that wasn't about me, maybe it was for her to see me....who knows, but the universe delivers us what we need when we need it. This weekend was a focus for letting go and healing some old strings I still had bound to me. Releasing an oath that I made to someone that did not deserve my love or time, giving me a chance to loose the longing feeling and maybe just be in peace for once. My Saturday was filled with cartoons, chocolate, and reveling in the fact that my intuition is much stronger than I had given it credit for.

So my point is, we all need support, we all need people to love and care for us, especially if we are children of abandonment. We need to know someone will be there to pick us up AT TIMES, when we are to weak or lost to find our way. My girlfriend came along right as this journey started for me, she has been there every step, unyielding and loving me unconditionally and I am so thankful for her and my non blood sister for their compassion. Anxiety can wreak havoc on us, and we feel the need to hide and do what it wants us to do, because we are safer in our bubble no? I am discovering through the hypnotherapy and my own self love that a warmth is growing inside me. A deeper love, that cannot be stopped and I am happy to let it swallow me whole. It is an amazing, calm, and spiritual place that I would love to reside on a daily basis, so I could in return give it to others regularly. I will keep working towards it and loving me. The paintings and hugs and I missed you Jen from an 8 year old that isn't yours, but could be and probably was in a past life remind me that I need to be in the moment, and that it isn't as scary as my anxiety would like to convince me it is. I am on the right path, and I will stay here, pain or no pain, I am finally starting to feel like I belong somewhere.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Childhood triggers anyone?

Anxiety is a subconscious trigger in which our brain says WHOA fight or flight! Put your dukes up! GAH again? No more!!! Random conversations I have with myself. Then the disconnect, then the tears. Then the depression, I am in a hamster wheel some days. After my second session I felt some relief, some cleansing if you will, but my wound is just open. The more I push myself to stay in this wonderous relationship the more vulnerable I become thus opening the wounds even further and pushing out even more gunk that I have kept in there. My bandaid is off and it is terrifying.

Are love addicts able to reciprocate love as real love or do we ever really get over the addiction. I find myself torn from moment to moment with this huge list of why I love this person to why I should run (which the only reason is my anxiety about loving someone and being vulnerable). Just for one time I would like to talk to someone who has been through this before and know that they came out on the other side a stronger person, still in the relationship they processed in. My hypnotherapist pulled out my inner kid from the closet she was hiding in and cleaned out my emotional septic tank, I hope my subconscious can process all that. I am curious to see how the next couple of days go since I am doing my first drive out of town to see one of my best friends. A much needed venture, out on the open road, all by my lonesome.

Anxiety is a chemical we release when we feel threatened, addictions of all kinds stem from a lack there of internally. We spend our days and nights high, avoiding pain and darkness, and once we start to see the light, the anxiety sets in to kick us back down. It lies to us, tries to convince us to be afraid, and that we are not worthy or lovable. But it also brings us back to reality, that there are issues that need to be addressed. Tonite wasn't so bad when he came home, I was relieved he was here, and felt a warmth when he hugged me, gives me some hope that I can over come this beast of burden.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Mood booster

Oddly enough last night as my therapist said, I wasn't as down as I normally am. Even this morning, I got out of bed and even though it is Monday and I am never too enthused about them, it wasn't bothering me like it normally does. It was a nice change. I spent the day doing affirmations with my inner monologue in the NOW moment and I found myself having a massive boost of the feeling of love filled with unbridled energy. I had to stop at my friends work and give him a hug and tell him I love him for no apparent reason. I was in luck to find another friend of mine there so I greeted her the same way, they both looked at me suspiciously because normally I am way more withdrawn.

Almost having a manic happy high caught me off guard and I did experience some anxiety from it but as I did long ago, I vowed to never falter to the anxiety beast again. Yes it can make me uncomfortable, not want to continue doing or go do what I am about to partake in, anxiety has taken, coffee, sugar, and alcohol from me (not necessarily a bad thing), but they are from time to time nice things to be able to have in the moment of a early twilight around a campfire or on a brisk morning out on a deck in the sun. But alas it has been years since I have had those pleasures without suffering a anxiety attack afterwards. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and lack of certain vitamins can really cause a ruckus on your nervous system if you have them and or need them. I didn't have enough D and needed more B complex come to find out. I remember at one time I was scared to eat in general too and most foods I steered from out of fear of the invisible foe of anxiety. I now just push through it, grin at it and say, what do you have for me now.

Anxiety has never really struck me down or physically hurt me, but it has and still does make me REALLY uncomfortable, I mean, really, really, IM in a store, need to run out uncomfortable, can this person take any longer to get through the line at the store uncomfortable. Really my end goal is to change my behavior patterns from running to being comfortable in a safe relationship and staying. Lifting the depression and spatting on the anxiety thus drop kicking it. When I question my feelings for my boyfriend (which is total normal from what I have been told) it causes me to feel guilt about being where I am, but you see as a love addict, this is what I do. I continue in a cycle of staying until the love hormones wear off and the high is gone, then I am gone. I am trying to duke this one out and stay through the pain, because well I have never cared enough about anyone to do so, including my X husband. SOOOO how can I say I don't know how I feel but that I have never cared enough about anyone to stay? Good question, I am still working on that myself. My feelings fluxuate day to day and I have never really been loved or learned to love in return in a healthy way, so that is really what I am doing. But what I do know is I cannot see my life without him or his daughter, I cannot think of him with another woman, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Is that love? I guess so.

Until then, I still have 5 more sessions with this therapist, I am pretty excited for the next one to see the progress, as its unfolding. Hopefully this good stuff will keep coming at me, and I can let more of the baggage go that I have been holding onto for dear life because really, when we are healthy and have no demons chasing us, and that part of our identity is gone, who are we?

Just a side note this evening. I was just sitting here feeling terribly uncomfortable. Questioning why I stay in a relationship (mind you that is FANTASTIC, and I don't have to try, I could go on and on about how wonderful he is) but because of the pain I experience in staying, it is all worth it to me. But I forget one thing, I am an addict. One quick key stroke in my brain of a certain WAY past x relationship from 15 years ago, set my cravings at bay. Mind you I DO NOT love this person, nor did I ever, it was the HIGHLY addictive quality of what he offered me that kept me coming back and that I still crave, from the drugs, to the love addiction he kept me strung out like a junkie for years, and yet that part of me still misinterprets INTENSITY for INTAMACY...that is a hard thing to decipher and to acknowledge. Perhaps I do need a 12 step program which my so wonderful fella has agreed to go and support me through if I wish. You see I could not ask for a better mate, best friend, traveling companion and lover as what I have with this man, but there is and will always be this part of me that longs for that THING that was instilled in me at a young age, and I have to remember it lies, it is false, and I have to fight it and remind myself why I stay and where I want to be.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Real Punching Bag

We have put up the punching bag. I watched as my boyfriend climed into our attic, drill in hand to conqur the celing and make it his bitch. Hot, sweaty, stinky, the dust forcing him to cough, the dark forcing his eyes to shift, he found himself up in that triangle box taking on an invisible screw. He was successful, the bag was installed and I cannot wait to unleash some of this pent up anger I have brewing beneith the surface of my depression...amen to that.

Chances are my anxiety could get worse or I could cry at random and feel utterly hopeless from my subconscious being pryed open by a Mind Mechanic, I am assessing a pretty good chance. Since last night have had more anxiety and depression in a very long time, but I was warned that I may be experiencing more of the depression. I feel like my blankey has been taken from me. I was told today that NORMAL people don't have to create coping skills to make it through life, that came as a shock to me considering I had always thought that was a normal thing. Everything I thought I knew is wrong, and it has shaken me to my core.

My coping skill was to run, always, and I did. Anytime those love hormones stopped or I came down off my high, I was off to the races, running to avoid commiting to anything really. My fear of owning  a home, being settled, or having kids, all have been formed from my experiences. So when my boyfriend came along, he offered all thins I was afraid of including safety, stability, and some sense of value. He loves all of me, ALL OF ME, even the dark parts that I never shared with anyone but him and he has never used those things against me like some in the past.

Now I am finally in a position where I am stopping the running and facing the beast that has tormented me for many years. I am armed with my writing, painting, my friends, my family, and the knowledge that I have obtained. This therapy is a 6 week system and from what I can see from my experience yesterday and today, it is going to be interesting. It is my journey, my own time to finally come out of my cocoon and spread my wings, (sounds cliché I know) but that really is what is happening. I have spent years hiding behind this thing I created to protect myself, but I am finally in a safe enough place to come out and explore without fear or doubt. And the thing I wanted more as a child, someone to spend my time with, love and accept me has happened as well, I just have to be brave enough to reach out and grab it without fear.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Body high

I found myself on my therapists couch at 845 this morning fearful but yet hopeful. I laid on the couch and visualized an ocean and this lyricist began to speak. The hour session went by quickly and at a few points I did find myself with numb hands and arms, drifting in and out of reality. After all was said and done I experienced this incredible body high that left me smiling and giggling. I felt drugged almost, it was peculiar but quite comfortable. UNTIL dun dun dun, I began to realize that part of my safety net (anxiety) that I had lived in for years and years was beginning to unravel. The discomfort of knowing that this thing you have been identifying yourself as and with was possibly being taken away, boy do I feel vulnerable wowie. The feeling started to disperse until I went to lunch then anxiety came on with a vengeance boooooo :(. But there are other factors in my life at the moment that could be affecting my mood including that vat of chips I ate hellllo carbo-liciousness.....

Otherwise I find myself not caring, in the aspect that I can see something that needs to be done and I just have no motivation to do it at all. So the socks are on the floor...uh yeah and? Now mind you, this is coming from a total control freak so it is interesting that I am not acknowledging these items. Also I could have cared less if I ate or not.....it almost feels like deeper depression but it is too soon to say at this point, I have to remember that I am rewiring behaviors and beliefs about myself, it is just a very scary process in doing so. Who are we without our pain, anxiety, grief? How do we interact when we have held onto something for so long and let it define us as a person. I no longer say "My anxiety" I say "the anxiety" I just have to hold on and keep pushing forward through this thing called my life.

Interstingly later on in the day, I calmed a bit. I read my favorite chapter out of my favorite anxiety book called "At Last A Life" by Paul David (if you suffer from anxiety, it is a must read). But he states that the more we fight with our fear, the more it frays on our already frayed nerves. Basically when we develop anxiety we are already tired, so the more we fight with ourselves, the more tired we become, and remembering that, helped immensely. I still feel the depression, the uncertainty with my relationship, but my screaming inner kids have seemed to calm a bit. Hopefully this is going to continue and I can accept the quiet in my head :)

Friday, July 12, 2013

Deep relaxation

What is that exactly, deep relaxation. Not quite anxietys friend huh? Brace yourself because if we can control anything that MIGHT possibly happen ever in the future then we will be just fine, that is if you can control every aspect of every person, place, and thing you encounter....Welcome to my world. Now I understand there are SOME things you can control, but in reality 90% you cannot control anything. Trying to convince my inner kid who is gripping my leg so tightly is another matter. She believes her world is going to fall apart at any minute so A: Why stick around anywhere or anyone for long B: if she can control the weather, things might be ok. Why do I argue with a 5 year old? Well, habit for one, and 2 I try to do internal monologueing to let her know I haven't forgotten about her like I did all those years prior.

Our anxiety can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. I can open new worlds to us or make us want to dig a hole as deep as the middle of earth and live in the dark so we can never be hurt or seen by human eyes and hearts. Anxiety lies and asks us to stay in or plainly, to not live, not love, and be alert all the time!! Thanks Adrenal glands, I think mine need a vacation, seriously. Eventually you either get enveloped by the fear or your push against it and say F U anxiety, I wont do what you tell me (which is what I do 99% of the time). Mind you not with total enthusiasm always, BUT I try my hardest. I dreampt about my x husband, his mother, gma (both total angry, hateful women) a friend that abandoned me, and I feel I may have got some closure in the fact that I could tell my X husband that I hoped he was happy and now has a second chance at healing his old hurts. I woke up not upset, just neutral, but feeling as if I had accomplished something, dreams are the subconsious's way of saying good-bye or getting closure on things we cannot get it otherwise.

I had a consulatation with a hypnotherapist today. I will be having my first session tomorrow, I am quite excited. The guy is quite brilliant but filled with manly, earthy tones, and crazy good energy. Someone who has been a "mind mechanic" as he called himself for 40 years. And even though my inner kid wanted to scream and kick, and say well we need to cover this or that my adult self stepped in and just said, lets just see what happens. No expectations, just a curious journey for us :)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Hollywood Lie

There is no running down the track crying, there is no "You complete me", there are no princes on white horses or princesses that do your bidding, there are however evil queens and evil step parents :).

My point is, the lie that is told about love is deep rooted in every little girl, and some little boys. There is an idea that love is this thing that we just KNOW and feel and jump for every single time. But that is not correct. Love is an action, and a feeling, but more of an action. We make the choice to be loving, we make the choice to live everyday, day in and day out with the same person over and over again. Love addicts such as myself will and do struggle with this idea because we are convinced from the start we are not good enough, and not valued as people. We never became a whole person growing up so we attach ourselves to someone else that "completes us." There is this stigma that we cannot have doubts or be unsure or question or it means the relationship is over and from what I have been told that is very normal. For me it is really painful sometimes. I don't cope well under a lot of stress and small things that would normally be let go easily by some, I hold onto as if they are keeping me afloat.

Since I moved 33 times in my life I am now 35, it is very hard to stay in one place. Holding down a house, a business, and school is hard sometimes, especially when stress hits, I want to hit the pavement, get in my car, and get the F out of dodge. There is this emptiness that follows me daily, a dark spot that was never filled or cared for a child and its almost like a small kid following me around tugging at my sleeve reminding me. The drug, love addiction and my abandonment behavior I am very aware of now, I just need to find a way to sit still for a while without the drugs to cope and figure out how to love myself so I can be a better partner and friend to everyone in my life. This journey is long and the 20 years of suppressed depression and anxiety are hitting home, but I will continue on to find the peace I am searching for.

The stigma that we are supposed to just "know" that our mate is it, and that we are supposed to just want to rip their clothes off and if that those things are gone that the relationship is over, is FALSE. If we gave up on everything that lost its luster we would be without a great and many things. Part of loving someone is committing to that person, thus committing to your own self by accepting stability and love in your life. Our main priority is us, but when you really love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what, even if you have to sacrifice to provide that for them, that is loving unconditionally. Once you have been held with love you will know it when it happens, and you cannot replace that with any drug or thing. We have to fill ourselves up, so we can give unconditionally to others. Saying I love you to hear it back is not love, doing things in order to receive them back is not love, it is insecurity. The lie is very real, and too many relationships are failing because of it.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

So this is normal?

I cringe at it. Some would embrace it, normal......what is normal anyway. Normal for me was being overstimulated emotionally either from love hormones or drugs, or even better both. Just high, high and unaware of my own emotional being inside of me screaming for help but I ignored her. I spent my childhood avoiding reality by making up fantasies about being rescued (quite common for abandonment sufferers) and as an adult living those fantasies through the misuse of my mind, body, and spirit. I think its hard when you have spent your time chasing unavailable men or women and you get your high, then it wears off, then you move on to the next.

I am now in my first adult, sober, stable, loving relationship and I am so bored some days OMG. Get up, go to work, go to school, blah blah. I have a tendancy to project my feelings and blame him when my happiness or enthusiasm is not his responsibility. When you have spent your life as an addict, it is hard to swallow the idea that normal is what you will have for the rest of your life. Love is an action, you choose to love someone, embrace them through hair loss, weight gain or loss, financial issues and choose to over look the negative aspect of relationships. And here I am trying to do that but still have a wall up that I cant seem to put down. Because I don't get high off this man, my teenage emotional self thinks that I don't love him, but my adult self knows I do, I am in a constant war with myself and it gets very tiring.

I accept this man, want to marry him, and grow old with him, but I first need to work on me and my emotional needs and self. He knows all this about me, he is after all my best friend. He has held my hand through my breakdowns and my times when I just needed a hit of the love drugs and I have withdrawn many, many times. Its a hard new life to live, but it is worth it to me to have him by my side. Just one more thing to withdraw from, life is fun lol.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Kittens got the blues

I found myself wondering today if it is all worth it. The pain, the discomfort, the agonizing over little things day in and day out. What makes it worth all this 5 days a week when you only get 2 days of I feel alright? I still haven't come to a conclusion on that thought, perhaps it is very normal what I am experience and I just don't know it? I wish for a few moments I could step into someone Else's mind and feel what they do. I remember the only time I have ever felt really alive and happy was when I was using adderal, but alas that is not the best thing for me and my anxiety. Why should I have to take a drug to feel happy or normal? I know people who take pills now and they still don't feel alright, just manageable they say. Over stimulation from our society, ads being jammed down our throats, porn on daytime tv, and drama being main lined into our brains to keep us addicted to being wired and full of drama. Perhaps that is where my sadness comes from, the with drawl of drama. My inner kid thrives on it, she craves it, especially when bored and I used to feed it to her in massive quantity.

I do realize now that wont make me happy. Most days I want to interact with other mammals, mainly my pets and my boyfriend but that about draws the line. I worry too much about other people when really they aren't worrying about me, why such and such a person passes my thoughts, I cannot say, I know I do not pass theirs. Perhaps when I am spending my time on the thought of other people, I need to turn it to me and say what do you need to do to be happy in this moment. Living in the now is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and it is through baby steps, that I am trying to weave my way out of this ball of emotional yarn I am wrapped in. I have a wonderful life, I am so very blessed, I have 2 loving and supportive best friends who I fully trust, a fantastic boyfriend, I am 2 semesters from graduation with my A.A., I am buying a home, and I own my own business, so "why the long face?" Perhaps it is being stable that causes that, the mundane of doing the same thing day in and out that gets to me, or its the drama withdrawal.

My cat seems to follow my moods and as my boyfriend held him this afternoon he mewed and bit at his arm, I wonder sometimes is he picking up on my mood? Perhaps, but I found it quite humorous to see my emotional state through a feline. We go day in and day out, working today for Friday, and yet the emptiness still prevails. Knowing how fast time is slipping by I still find myself looking forward, yearning for it to go faster? Strangely enough I allowed myself to let some control go last night and not remind my boyfriend of things that needed to be done, I think I will just not give a crap for a while and let the house get dirty.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Sunday blues and a long weekend that wasn't so long

How is it time goes by so fast as we age. From my boyfriend's daughters 8 yr old mind, 20 minutes is like hours when she is excited, I suppose the same would apply to me right before vacation, but I always savor the build up to the thing I am excited about. We went camping this weekend, the full nine yards but with one friend (another 8 yr old girl) in tow hoping that it would suppress the boredom for my boyfriend's daughter. It did to an extent but I was taught a swift lesson. Not only were there the girls but my nephew brought his step son and a friend as well both under the age of 12. Due to my obsessive worrying I did not rest as much as I hoped, it was very little to be frank. I have never had kids, never wanted any, but I knowingly fell in love with a man who has a child. I have come to the conclusion that she was brought to help me in my journey of healing as a representation of little Jen and she is. I struggle through her struggles, and I cry internally when I know she has to go home on sunday night just as I did as a kid. She always wants to stay but cannot due to the separation.

The two girls and boys did alright surprisingly and it made me proud that I had organized this for his daughter to have a friend to play with, BUT it gave me no rest. From the  7am wake up for bathroom escorts to the "stop it! you are being annoying!" at 11 pm after they were suppose to be in bed, to who will feed them, what if she drowns...the list goes on. My niece in law turned and said Jen! Even when you are sitting you aren't really sitting. My nervous energy is felt by the sensitive and I am looking for that change. Learning to deal with stress better and to let some of my need for control go is important to me for my mental and physical well being, but letting go is incredibly hard. Being tossed around as a kid makes you more prone to wanting to have everything in control as an adult (or you are just careless and jump out of planes regularly LOL). I unfortunately hae the control issues. And this shown brightly this weekend, I have admitted I need help, and I have to let things go, I can let other people do some of the work and it will be done one way or the other.

It is now sunday after noon and the anxiety is setting in. The restless, something is wrong, but I cant quite put a finger on it, Im way too tired for this, how will I take on the week, can we fly to California so I can run and escape feeling is hitting home. Not wanting to go to work or face reality hits home and my stomach churns. Tears are welling up and I feel really lost and out of sorts right now. I have felt over tired since last night and I have moments where I think I wil run down the street flailing my arms and screaming, but then I think who cares if I do anyway? Its no ones business but mine, but the break down remains placid. I was scrolling through Face book, my one day a week and I saw I had not been invited to a wedding that what I thought was a close friend had had. She moved last year and it was quite upsetting, I came across the pictures and immediately wanted to hurt her for hurting me, for not allowing me to be a part of her ceremony because I had put a lot of time into her, (abandonment rears its ugly head when these things happen and I am not proud of this fact), but I did not, I look at her picture, saw how beautiful she was, wished I could have seen it and logged out. Facebook is a cancer on our society and it causes more pain than people will admit. I am trying to unplug as much as I can, and be focused on me. There is too much garbage dumped into our minds, over stimulation is promoted as the normal, there is no way to just be anymore, how do we find our zen anyway?

Thursday, July 4, 2013

The Cat's in the Garage

I went out to look for my camping gear and my orange tabby that so loves to try to run into our fascinating garage did indeed slip by my eyes and my hands once I saw him. He ran to the end of the room and I hoped frantically that he would not run out into the light. I hit the garage door button and the giant machine began grinding. His ears laid back and his eyes bulged and he looked at me desperately as the jaws of this beast were coming right down on him, I opened the door and he ran in, fur flying.

My 4th of July morning though I have the house to myself. It is quiet, peaceful and literally (even though I live in a cul-de-sac) all you can hear is the wind and my chimes. I sometimes wish when the storm that was brewing inside me was calm like that, but I have vowed to change my life and my way of thought. I have read a most wonderful book about attaching to our thoughts and questioning everything we think, if it is true or not, and really it makes sense. We carry stresses and guilt when we place judgment on others looking for our own self fulfillment, its silly really. As adults we cannot expect anyone or thing to bring us joy, it is our job to do that. My inner kids seemed to have quieted down since the wedding past. My father was there, the first time in over a year since I last saw him, same as the year before. I remember going 10 years without seeing him, and now I just see him as a stranger. I don't know this man, nor have I ever. He has always been secretive and I used to think he was part of the FBI or CIA or something like that when I was a kid, he was elusive and lived away from people. But now I just see a man who lost a family and is getting older, I am sure the guilt eats at him, but he still makes no attempt to be a part of our lives regularly, I guess it is his loss now isn't it. My boyfriends daughter met him, and he watched her play cards at an overly lavish table that we devoured ribs at so at least once she will see the person I want her to see with him, instead of who I know he is. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I do not love who he is or how he treats our family, I find myself becoming more protective of myself and commiting myself to this little girl because I don't want her to feel how I felt about a parent.

My anxiety waxes and wanes. I know due to the holiday and long weekend, things will be mellow and relaxing the buildup is coming and soon there will be the exhale but I also know I have a pattern and a certain distaste for Mondays (as we all do). The calm comes in and that deep, nagging feeling starts eating away at my core somedays, while others its like a child pulling on my shirt HEY!, HEY! pay attention to me! Because really all anxiety is, is a call to ourselves to pay attention, something needs to be worked on or brought to light so we can deal with it. Anxiety is our friend really even though it feels like you want to crawl in a hole and never come out, it lies to us, it bears its teeth and tells us to not go outside, or to not love someone, but the reality is, it is just endorphins because we are afraid or hurt. Being open to the fear, the pain, the anguish is really the key to understanding ourselves because even science hasn't figured out our minds.