Thursday, August 29, 2013

Melancholy Seasons

I love the rain. I really do, the dark swell of fall upon us. Leaves changing, pitter patter on the roof and the chance for me to hide again. I always embraced this time as a sleepy, cozy, protective blanket around my life that said, "ok you don't have to participate for a while." I embraced the dark of the days that gave me some relief from performing in the scorching blaze of summertime. Yet, as I grow older, I can feel it to the depths of my soul, the grief that comes with that change now.

As a love addict and general avoider of feelings and discomfort, I am now finally starting to identify that feelings are just well feelings. They are not an emergency even though at times it feels that way. I had a huge panic attack at one of my clients homes yesterday, and thankfully they were not there. I got through it as I always do, but anxiety seems to cling to us after it has stamped itself on to our conscious mind. The depression fuels it and they play ring around the rosy on one's brain.

There is no real explanation for the feelings or triggers. Possibly a sense of me not knowing what I want to do as a career, I feel a bit lost and do need to decide if I am going to continue my education or take another path. Buddhism says we can be content no matter what we do if we embrace the universe and let it flow around us, and if I were to wake up just content and could spend my days that way, instead of the dwelling feeling that would be wonderful. BUT I have to remember that dwelling feeling has been here my whole life. The nagging, pay attention to something feeling that I have always ignored now needs to be tended and cared for. We have to go through the pain and discomfort to change our old ways and patterns that no longer serve us and there will be times that the pain and discomfort are intense and uncomfortable, but I know with baby steps, encouragement and love from my support group that I can get through it.

I have seen huge changes in myself emotionally, choices I have made differently, and even when I feel bad I allow it to be because it is about learning from the pain and growth in ourselves to be healthier people. I faced the guy finally that logged in, I got into a place where I could hear his voice and he could hear mine and my finocee's in our game and in just seconds that beast was slain, he is nothing more to me now than a small glimmer of what may have been, but will never be and I am ok with that. I was proud of myself for just making the plunge and letting happen whatever was going to happen with the love and support of my wonderful fioncee.

I want to hope that what I am doing is creating a new place for myself that has a sense of belonging, calm, and loving structure that no storm can blow down. I want to hope that I can continue to gain ground and find more center in myself so I can help others who are lost to find themselves once again. I will continue to forge ahead and be ok no matter what gets put in front of me. I am hope, I am love, I am light.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Meeting me

I went to my 3rd meeting today. I discussed Mr. Unavailable from Friday night. I cried and so did another new comer. The longing feeling, the dead, numb, wtf am I doing feeling is strong today. I look at the pictures I created with my fioncee and his daughter and I think do I really want this? Just one phone call could take this pain away and I could go back into the life I had, being high. Being closed emotionally, anything but feeling this stuff. But I know I cannot. In reality, I love this life. I love my fioncee and my friends. It is in essence what I have always wanted and longed for, acceptance but still a part of me feels not good enough.

Children of abandonment suffer deep rejection and pain full idea about self. We are never good enough no matter what we do. We suffer as adults until we decide we don't want to anymore. So how do you find resolve without the other persons approval. When does it become ok to let go of a parent that does not serve you in a healthy way. How do you become ok with yourself in every aspect of your inner being knowing you are good enough? I struggle with these questions. How one person could devastate another being so easily and not care or try to care? I would never do that to a child.

So at least now I can look at my life and see a few things I need to work on instead of this huge luggage piece that is over loaded with issues to work through. I have conquered some items and am still working on others but at least my path is becoming more clear. Feeling vulnerable is ok with the right people. Exposing myself emotionally I can be loved and cared for in a healthy way without fear of being hurt. I can love and rely on others and know they will be there when I need them. It is removing the others that is the hard part. Learning to distinguish what is healthy and what is not and not allowing destructive people to rule my heart any longer.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Another reminder

Things have been calm this last week, which naturally frightens me. I am slowly learning to be ok with just being ok and not expecting the worst. And if the worst happens, practicing skills to deal with it in a calm manner. Last night however I found the one guy that caused more longing in me than I had experienced in years logged into the game I was playing. It was hard I have to admit, I wanted to chew him out and tell him he wasn't welcome in my territory any longer. This particular person reminded me so much of my father in his actions when I was growing up so naturally I was drawn to him. Even knowing he was emotionally unvavailable I still persued him in hopes that I would be good enough for him to take interest and maybe love me at some point. I struggled with that part with my father, not feeling good enough after his abandonment and still to this day sometimes.

I cried when I went to bed not wanting the rush of seeing his name in my presence and I also felt angry that I even gave him any emotion at all. But I realized after a few minutes that it is just another thing I need to heal with in myself. The longing feeling of wanting to be saved overwhelming me and making me feel weak and unworthy. That part that still longs for escape to anywhere but where I am, constantly engulfed by the need to run. At least I was. I realized with my fioncee' sitting next to me that I have more love from him, my friends, and family, his daughter, and for myself that it can drown that longing feeling. It empowered me to realize this love I have from and for these people can burn down any pain I may encounter and it may not be over night but the love slowly fills up the empty part that is hurting and I see now that even though I may be afraid sometimes, it is ok and I will be alright.

We stay in states for so long we forget what it is like to just live in a neutral place with minimal hurt. We adopt that part of us as who we are and it becomes our personality. But we do not have to stay in that state, we do not have to allow the feelings to take over us and run us into the ground. I will continue on my journey, but as I go, I become more in tune and aware of the things I wish to fine tune about myself and hope that the calm and spirituality come to me that I seek. With the love and support of my family, I think I can do almost anything.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Pumpkin mania

I went out to my once lush garden to find a pumpkin patch. I have never grown pumpkins but I found myself in awe of how fast they grow. My spinach had taken a dump but the strawberries and lemon balm were flourishing nicely. I also found a tomato on my plant which I was particularly proud of because I grew that from a seed. It is the same as my life. The pumpkin patch represents something I didn't think I wanted. It slowly took over my personal area and at first I was appauled by it wanting to pull it out for the other small things to have room to grow and breathe but as the season approaches, I am beginning to understand that I need to embrace this giant beast of a plant and put all the love and nurturing into it I can.

I made a decision this weekend to propose to my boyfriend. How on earth did I do a 180 like that? Well I discovered I had a back up guy, mr. WHAT IF. What if we broke up, I would have someone to fall back on right? Total love addict thing to do. I release this guy, I told him no more conversations that involved flirting in any way, shape, or form. I had never really developed feelings for him, nor even met this man, but as I always did, I had him on the back burner just in case. The moment I delivered this information to him I felt a weight had been lifted off me, and I was free from my own chains. The part that I had been withholding I was able to give fully now to my guy and I cannot say a more clearer time in my life that I was so sure of anything. Even though I had no feelings for this online person in the relationship sense, I had somewhere in my psyche created a world where he may someday come to pass. And as sad as that is, I am proud of myself for seeing it and letting him go. I put pressure on myself that way, never fully commiting to anyone ever, including my X husband now that I think of it. I was always on foot out the door simply because I was afraid of being hurt. Being able to say, "Hey you wana leave? That's ok, cause I never loved you anyway" nice excuse to hide behind. And this all stems from not being loved as a kid and having stipulations put on you as to what love is and how you will receive it. I was just not it seems at times, loved at all. And when all the relationships around you are falling apart and you never witness a really true love between two people, you have nothing to base your feelings on. Hence always needing another person in wait, be it known or not, he was just that.

Why is this time different you may ask? Because I no longer have a reason to go, I no longer have a secondary that is there to distract me from my fears. I am standing alone in my corner of our relationship pyramid and it feels wonderful. The anxiety left me after I gave that ring to my guy, and I gave one to his daughter as well. I felt that she needed to see the commitment I am making to our family. The ring I wear not only symbolizes my commitment to him but to myself. To continuing to persue my happiness and my healing that is needed to become even more of a whole person. I have made a huge leap in my recovery and I am so proud of myself :)

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Dark emptiness

It comes on like a wool blanket over my brain and I cannot seem to see the sun in these moments. Times when I think why am I doing this, why do I carry on and want to crawl out of my skin. I attended an Love addicts AA meeting and it was quite insiteful, I am happy I went. But it also made me recognize how brutal this thing is to have to go through. Withdrawl claws at your soul and your being and takes and takes from you. I had a good weekend, Saturday was relaxed and I told myself I would be more patient with my recovery and give myself more time. I have a tendancy to try to go from point A to point B but really I need to embrace the GROWTH journey I am on and revel in each moment because one day this part will be over and I think I will look back on it with love and wonder.

The anxiety takes hold, the sadness and I don't want to face reality. The pain becomes almost unbearable at times but I know I have things to hold onto and reasons to keep going. The love addiction takes hold and makes me want to run as fast as I can from everything and everyone that I know. The grief is deep and I have faith that this will pass but I have to be patient and embrace it instead of fighting it. I started taking a natural anti depressant supplement yesterday so we will see how that goes. Anxiety is hard, and it doesn't help that depression and addiction are stacked on top of one another, but for all the years I repressed these feelings, it isn't going to happen over night. I am hopeful that it will pass and I will keep moving forward marking everyday that I make progress and stay "sober" from my addictions. I have removed certain things that can possibly affect relapsing and that doesn't help either but they are good, healthy things to NOT do any longer so I pat myself on the back for that.

Life goes on, we do the best we can, and we continue on regardless. I will keep pushing forward and wait to make any major decisions until this receeds.