Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sunday blahs

Did I ever mention I loathe Sundays. Poor Sunday, just another day of the week and blamed for so much unhappiness. Did no one think to consider Sunday's feelings in all of this? No? Yeah me either. The twisting knot of my stomach, churning, and bubbling, the tightness in my throat and chest, blah. I really do try to let it go and accept that another week is upon us, but really it gets to be quite trying at times. We had to take my soon to be step daughter home today. That always conjures up the emotions of when I was a child and my father bringing me back to a place I never felt I belonged in. I went to my Love addicts group this morning and so many interesting topics were discussed. Things that had been muddling about in my brain, but untouched verbally. The idea of sleeping with someone just to validate or to feel wanted, the idea that we can go with transitions in our life instead of reacting to them, or just the simple fact of feeling not accepted.

My inner kid has never felt that she mattered. Somewhere in my psyche she felt she just didn't have a place or purpose. She felt her ideas, hopes, dreams, and feelings didn't matter and no one took the time to embrace those things to even maybe affirm that she was special and important. My childhood memories are filled with loneliness and despair. Wanting nothing more than to be noticed and embraced for all that I was, but no one would. I was left to my own accord to handle the bullying on my own. In this very dark place I spent my days and nights, not wanting to go on sometimes but knowing that I had to. I placed my mother on a pedestal in fear that if I did not she would go to just like my father. But she wasn't really there anyway. We as addicts spend our lives putting others needs ahead of our own out of fear of loss, and before we realize it we become co-dependant and unable to process real feelings and real honest love out of fear.

Some days I find myself so terrified to love my fiancĂ©e, to really embrace him or my friends because I may lose them. And even though I know that life is life and things happen, it frightens me to really love people so deeply. At the same time I am also filled with joy because I have been able to experience this with someone. I have a need to control things, the future even, perhaps if I worry enough, I can make that change needed to prevent something awful from happening, perhaps if I over think it I can somehow control nature....it is interesting to think about, but at least I know where it stems from so I can continue healing that lost little part of myself that really does MATTER after all.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Discomfort of my wool blanket

I have always referred to the depression and anxiety as a wool blanket. It feels heavy and damp over my brain and I can't always see clearly. Up until Monday things have been actually, scary to say it but really good. I was focused and had happy moments with minimal discomfort, and to go as far as to say Sunday morning over breakfast I professed that I had nothing to be upset about after dropping and overly dramatic client. Monday then came and I felt really good, until there was some chaos and drama dropped on me from a friend. I was trying to take an understanding approach and explain to the other person involved what was happening because I felt offended and hurt, but they refused to listen, it actually came down to its my way or the highway situation, thus no one took into account anyone else's feelings and it was a mess. This triggered some really old feelings from school when I was bullied daily. I spoke with my therapist about it and she agreed that I have still unresolved issues from when I was in my early teens, when most of the damage occurred. She approached me with the idea that perhaps it is time to drudge it up and try to heal that wounded part of me. HOW SCARY! What ifs have been racing through my brain as to who or what I may become if I start removing the final really dark part of myself that I have kept hidden away and protected. All that hurt coming out, who would I become with out it? I think that is the really scary part to be honest. I can deal with grief and pain, but to not have that wool blanket over my head? WHOA......

So I guess that is the next thing. I wrote myself a letter reconstructing my first really painful experience and in caps and lots of F bombs, I proclaimed my awesomeness and how I should not have been treated in such a manner and I have to say it was quite awesome. The core, deep, bleeding, dark self of lonliness and handeling things on my own with no one to turn to part of myself is going to have to be exposed and little by little chipped away if I am ever to become a whole, healthy person. Baby steps right?