Sunday, October 20, 2013

Fog

It is relentless, it is gray and claustrophobic. It reminds me of the anxiety and sadness I carry. I can look out and see the gray sky and the dampness that follows October dwelling. A small part of me manages to be excited for the holidays upcoming, but at the same time I am remorseful as I know they will end and the cycle will begin again. I think some days if I were happier and more content I would handle all of this like a breeze and really it wouldn't bother me, and I know this is true, but I am learning to accept the anxiety and depression as part of who I am. I guess somewhere along the line, I needed to deal with all the sadness and pain I repressed for so long, and I just hope that all this junk I feel is just grief. I have never lost my appetite or my motivation for what I know I have to do, but yet I feel like I have a kid at my heals dragging me and slowing me down.

Most days I feel a deeper calling to run and go do whatever it is my psyche thinks I am missing out on, but I know those are ancient feelings from my childhood and do not really serve who I am becoming now. Part of me is holding on to the familiar. I wish sometimes I could meet someone who feels these things, but with an explanation so I can go ok, that is what is wrong with me, perhaps it is something else I really don't know. Some days I feel crazy and I wish that I could just loose it and be done with it all, but it never happens. It is an endless cycle that I am searching for a way out of. Hopefully with diet changes and some labs I can come to a different conclusion and start a new change.

Anxiety is a strange bedfellow. I am afraid to do things on my own but I know I have to and I do. I long to run, but don't want to leave where I am. Is there a happy medium?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Falling to fall

It came back. The doom and gloom, pulling on my heartstrings, making me ask if I am going crazy and begging internally to be released from the pain of it. It's like gnawing feeling, a child tugging on your coat, trying to walk through snow that's too deep. It just stays with me all the time. I have moments of time where I feel ok and I function then commend myself for being so brave to do it all again today, but this is no way to live my life. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, never felt like I fit in, or really mattered. And there is part of me that is blocking that ability to feel, breathe, and just live my life as a normal person some days and I don't really know why. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for my mistakes growing up, but a lot of those were not my fault, I was young, I didn't know better. As a love addict or any addict for that matter we do things because it feels good right in that moment, and to have to struggle through the pain and find some sort of clarity inside of ourselves that is screaming YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH that is a feat in itself. Through all the therapy, the journaling, the exercise, the eating right, and still it prevails to leave me. Perhaps I do need medication I don't really know anymore, what I do know is I am tired of this, I deserve more, and I don't want to have this weighing on me daily.

The simple truth is, I could deal with this once in a while, even 3 times a week, but it seems to be daily again, and it is relentless, whatever IT is. I have more tests from the Dr's office to do, so hopefully it is some sort of nutirional thing or perhaps it is just the really desperate inner self of my child self crying once again because she is afraid. There is so much pain in there still to cover, wish me luck.