Past Reminders

We only have this moment. These few precious seconds that we take for granted daily. At least I do, I think. I try not to and be consiensious of it but to no prevail I live in the future, and the past thus expereienceing anxiety and depression. I went to the gravesite of a friend of mine who passed away 10 years ago. I never went to his burial because well I was fully self induced at the time and yes I cried when I heard but I just never made the time. With the reflections in my life I am experiencing and realizing that we DO need other people when we struggle, I can now acknowledge that I am just a mortal..shocking isn't it. I never was able to bond as a child with anyone really. I never had anyone to rely or count on growing up and I spent so many days and nights unbearably alone and lonely. I still feel it from time to time in the back of my heart when I think about my days as a teenager wanting someone, anyone to say hey, how are you today, do you need to talk? Hey you know what, you are awesome, and I love you. But those days didn't come, at least I cant remember any picture perfect heart warming times, but maybe I blocked those parts out because the pain comes on too strong somdays and I just want it to shut off.

I had lunch with my oldest and dearest girlfriend and she reminded me as she always does that I have to be gentler on myself. From driving to seattle with a fear of driving to doing my job every day to the best of my ability, to be kinder and more loving to me. I forget you know, the darkness and fear have ways of seeping in and taking over the happy places, completely stripping you of your humanity at times and it can be quite frustrating. I grive for my past, I grieve for my anger, I greive for the loss of what may have, could have, and perhaps should have been. The birthdays I never had, holidays never shared, family dinners, and simply just a bonding experience of love and neutrality  that brings on the feelings of being content in life. Learning how to deal with stress and anxiety without turning to relationships or drugs to help you through and knowing you can handle anything that comes at you.

See I have this now in my life. I have my support group, I have people who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally and it is truly a blessing, but until I learn to love myself it is hard for me to fully embrace it. The pain is intense and deep and it flares up at random times. Am I punishing myself, am I getting out unresolved pain now that I am sober,  am I just trying to find my contentment, I really don't know at this point. I know I try to do the best I can, and put people ahead of me now instead of behind like I used to do. The pain is ok, because I need to feel it, it is there for a reason. I don't want to cover it anymore and bury it because every day I get closer to being ok with just being.

Daily gratitude

I wonder sometimes when I look at my life how I got so lucky. A home, my own business, almost a college graduate, a loving partner, a beautiful step child to embrace and yet I still feel empty. I take the time to remind myself of what I have, and want nothing more than to feel grateful and content, but it seems to airse only in moments of total stillness. When I wake in the morning I feel just blah then anxiety sets in and I dread getting out of bed. Sometimes I feel really out of place in this life. When I was using at least I could ignore my feelings and just be high, not having to face the normalcy of life. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, the deep, dark emptiness inside of me, looming and pulling on my coat tails. I sit and I wait as the waves of anxiety pass over me, but yet I have no answer as to why I feel this way. Granted I am only 2 years into starting to really heal my old wounds so it is quite possible that I am just in fact mourning.

When we spend our lives in a cocoon of pain and hurt, just covering it year after year and running from it, and the time finally comes that you have to face and embrace that pain, it is not an easy thing to do without medication. Granted I have tried anti depressants and found that they merely mask the real core issues inside me, thus this is why I deal with the discomfort day in and out. There are so many things left for me to do and a limited amount of time to do them, there are peoples lives I still need to touch and help, and by doing that it helps me day by day. To find some solace in this life I have avoided is my ultimate goal but at least I know it is out there somewhere. Anxiety is a strange bedfellow and if you allow it, It will take over your life one day, one thought, one moment at a time until you cannot breathe or see straight. It will suck your will and throw you in a deep well because really that is where we are most comfortable, in a dark place where we have to deal with on one. Anxiety can be over bearing and quarrelsome and really truly dibelitating. The fear it feeds off of is deep and scarring and if we allow it, it will become who we are.

I no longer claim my anxiety, I do not say "my anxiety or my depression" anymore because they do not deserve those titles in my body or mind. They are not mine, I do not want to own them and refuse now. I find humor when I can, I bring love to whom I can, and try to do my best to be a good person every day, even when I am uncomfortable or in pain. It is how I know I am human after all.

Uncanny Happenings

I finally made it. The drive to Seattle that I have been putting off for 4 years, yes 4 years. I have had this fear of doing it alone since my anxiety really reared up, but I finally made it. The journey there was quick and painless, coming back was a little harder. I rather enjoyed my time and I wished I would have had another day with my friend. Funny enough though, while I was there we ended up going out to eat, we were going to go to one spot, but changed our minds and went to another. I chose to sit in the bar as opposed to waiting for a table, and low and behold about 10 min after I sat down, one of the leaders of the pack of wolves that used to pick on me in school walked in and was seated directly behind me....what are the chances....I chose to ignore her as I left, although she did see the shit eating grin on my girlfriends face as she put her arm around my waist smiling and we casually strolled out. I felt the shock and what the...is that...moment exude from my old nemis's bloated, unhappy face, and for a moment I felt safe reeling in the fact that I was just that, safe. One of my best friends held my hand as we walked out and that bully of a beast could no longer harm me. I thought what lesson was that about? But it was brought to my attention that perhaps that wasn't about me, maybe it was for her to see me....who knows, but the universe delivers us what we need when we need it. This weekend was a focus for letting go and healing some old strings I still had bound to me. Releasing an oath that I made to someone that did not deserve my love or time, giving me a chance to loose the longing feeling and maybe just be in peace for once. My Saturday was filled with cartoons, chocolate, and reveling in the fact that my intuition is much stronger than I had given it credit for.

So my point is, we all need support, we all need people to love and care for us, especially if we are children of abandonment. We need to know someone will be there to pick us up AT TIMES, when we are to weak or lost to find our way. My girlfriend came along right as this journey started for me, she has been there every step, unyielding and loving me unconditionally and I am so thankful for her and my non blood sister for their compassion. Anxiety can wreak havoc on us, and we feel the need to hide and do what it wants us to do, because we are safer in our bubble no? I am discovering through the hypnotherapy and my own self love that a warmth is growing inside me. A deeper love, that cannot be stopped and I am happy to let it swallow me whole. It is an amazing, calm, and spiritual place that I would love to reside on a daily basis, so I could in return give it to others regularly. I will keep working towards it and loving me. The paintings and hugs and I missed you Jen from an 8 year old that isn't yours, but could be and probably was in a past life remind me that I need to be in the moment, and that it isn't as scary as my anxiety would like to convince me it is. I am on the right path, and I will stay here, pain or no pain, I am finally starting to feel like I belong somewhere.

Childhood triggers anyone?

Anxiety is a subconscious trigger in which our brain says WHOA fight or flight! Put your dukes up! GAH again? No more!!! Random conversations I have with myself. Then the disconnect, then the tears. Then the depression, I am in a hamster wheel some days. After my second session I felt some relief, some cleansing if you will, but my wound is just open. The more I push myself to stay in this wonderous relationship the more vulnerable I become thus opening the wounds even further and pushing out even more gunk that I have kept in there. My bandaid is off and it is terrifying.

Are love addicts able to reciprocate love as real love or do we ever really get over the addiction. I find myself torn from moment to moment with this huge list of why I love this person to why I should run (which the only reason is my anxiety about loving someone and being vulnerable). Just for one time I would like to talk to someone who has been through this before and know that they came out on the other side a stronger person, still in the relationship they processed in. My hypnotherapist pulled out my inner kid from the closet she was hiding in and cleaned out my emotional septic tank, I hope my subconscious can process all that. I am curious to see how the next couple of days go since I am doing my first drive out of town to see one of my best friends. A much needed venture, out on the open road, all by my lonesome.

Anxiety is a chemical we release when we feel threatened, addictions of all kinds stem from a lack there of internally. We spend our days and nights high, avoiding pain and darkness, and once we start to see the light, the anxiety sets in to kick us back down. It lies to us, tries to convince us to be afraid, and that we are not worthy or lovable. But it also brings us back to reality, that there are issues that need to be addressed. Tonite wasn't so bad when he came home, I was relieved he was here, and felt a warmth when he hugged me, gives me some hope that I can over come this beast of burden.

Mood booster

Oddly enough last night as my therapist said, I wasn't as down as I normally am. Even this morning, I got out of bed and even though it is Monday and I am never too enthused about them, it wasn't bothering me like it normally does. It was a nice change. I spent the day doing affirmations with my inner monologue in the NOW moment and I found myself having a massive boost of the feeling of love filled with unbridled energy. I had to stop at my friends work and give him a hug and tell him I love him for no apparent reason. I was in luck to find another friend of mine there so I greeted her the same way, they both looked at me suspiciously because normally I am way more withdrawn.

Almost having a manic happy high caught me off guard and I did experience some anxiety from it but as I did long ago, I vowed to never falter to the anxiety beast again. Yes it can make me uncomfortable, not want to continue doing or go do what I am about to partake in, anxiety has taken, coffee, sugar, and alcohol from me (not necessarily a bad thing), but they are from time to time nice things to be able to have in the moment of a early twilight around a campfire or on a brisk morning out on a deck in the sun. But alas it has been years since I have had those pleasures without suffering a anxiety attack afterwards. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and lack of certain vitamins can really cause a ruckus on your nervous system if you have them and or need them. I didn't have enough D and needed more B complex come to find out. I remember at one time I was scared to eat in general too and most foods I steered from out of fear of the invisible foe of anxiety. I now just push through it, grin at it and say, what do you have for me now.

Anxiety has never really struck me down or physically hurt me, but it has and still does make me REALLY uncomfortable, I mean, really, really, IM in a store, need to run out uncomfortable, can this person take any longer to get through the line at the store uncomfortable. Really my end goal is to change my behavior patterns from running to being comfortable in a safe relationship and staying. Lifting the depression and spatting on the anxiety thus drop kicking it. When I question my feelings for my boyfriend (which is total normal from what I have been told) it causes me to feel guilt about being where I am, but you see as a love addict, this is what I do. I continue in a cycle of staying until the love hormones wear off and the high is gone, then I am gone. I am trying to duke this one out and stay through the pain, because well I have never cared enough about anyone to do so, including my X husband. SOOOO how can I say I don't know how I feel but that I have never cared enough about anyone to stay? Good question, I am still working on that myself. My feelings fluxuate day to day and I have never really been loved or learned to love in return in a healthy way, so that is really what I am doing. But what I do know is I cannot see my life without him or his daughter, I cannot think of him with another woman, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Is that love? I guess so.

Until then, I still have 5 more sessions with this therapist, I am pretty excited for the next one to see the progress, as its unfolding. Hopefully this good stuff will keep coming at me, and I can let more of the baggage go that I have been holding onto for dear life because really, when we are healthy and have no demons chasing us, and that part of our identity is gone, who are we?

Just a side note this evening. I was just sitting here feeling terribly uncomfortable. Questioning why I stay in a relationship (mind you that is FANTASTIC, and I don't have to try, I could go on and on about how wonderful he is) but because of the pain I experience in staying, it is all worth it to me. But I forget one thing, I am an addict. One quick key stroke in my brain of a certain WAY past x relationship from 15 years ago, set my cravings at bay. Mind you I DO NOT love this person, nor did I ever, it was the HIGHLY addictive quality of what he offered me that kept me coming back and that I still crave, from the drugs, to the love addiction he kept me strung out like a junkie for years, and yet that part of me still misinterprets INTENSITY for INTAMACY...that is a hard thing to decipher and to acknowledge. Perhaps I do need a 12 step program which my so wonderful fella has agreed to go and support me through if I wish. You see I could not ask for a better mate, best friend, traveling companion and lover as what I have with this man, but there is and will always be this part of me that longs for that THING that was instilled in me at a young age, and I have to remember it lies, it is false, and I have to fight it and remind myself why I stay and where I want to be.

The Real Punching Bag

We have put up the punching bag. I watched as my boyfriend climed into our attic, drill in hand to conqur the celing and make it his bitch. Hot, sweaty, stinky, the dust forcing him to cough, the dark forcing his eyes to shift, he found himself up in that triangle box taking on an invisible screw. He was successful, the bag was installed and I cannot wait to unleash some of this pent up anger I have brewing beneith the surface of my depression...amen to that.

Chances are my anxiety could get worse or I could cry at random and feel utterly hopeless from my subconscious being pryed open by a Mind Mechanic, I am assessing a pretty good chance. Since last night have had more anxiety and depression in a very long time, but I was warned that I may be experiencing more of the depression. I feel like my blankey has been taken from me. I was told today that NORMAL people don't have to create coping skills to make it through life, that came as a shock to me considering I had always thought that was a normal thing. Everything I thought I knew is wrong, and it has shaken me to my core.

My coping skill was to run, always, and I did. Anytime those love hormones stopped or I came down off my high, I was off to the races, running to avoid commiting to anything really. My fear of owning  a home, being settled, or having kids, all have been formed from my experiences. So when my boyfriend came along, he offered all thins I was afraid of including safety, stability, and some sense of value. He loves all of me, ALL OF ME, even the dark parts that I never shared with anyone but him and he has never used those things against me like some in the past.

Now I am finally in a position where I am stopping the running and facing the beast that has tormented me for many years. I am armed with my writing, painting, my friends, my family, and the knowledge that I have obtained. This therapy is a 6 week system and from what I can see from my experience yesterday and today, it is going to be interesting. It is my journey, my own time to finally come out of my cocoon and spread my wings, (sounds cliché I know) but that really is what is happening. I have spent years hiding behind this thing I created to protect myself, but I am finally in a safe enough place to come out and explore without fear or doubt. And the thing I wanted more as a child, someone to spend my time with, love and accept me has happened as well, I just have to be brave enough to reach out and grab it without fear.

Body high

I found myself on my therapists couch at 845 this morning fearful but yet hopeful. I laid on the couch and visualized an ocean and this lyricist began to speak. The hour session went by quickly and at a few points I did find myself with numb hands and arms, drifting in and out of reality. After all was said and done I experienced this incredible body high that left me smiling and giggling. I felt drugged almost, it was peculiar but quite comfortable. UNTIL dun dun dun, I began to realize that part of my safety net (anxiety) that I had lived in for years and years was beginning to unravel. The discomfort of knowing that this thing you have been identifying yourself as and with was possibly being taken away, boy do I feel vulnerable wowie. The feeling started to disperse until I went to lunch then anxiety came on with a vengeance boooooo :(. But there are other factors in my life at the moment that could be affecting my mood including that vat of chips I ate hellllo carbo-liciousness.....

Otherwise I find myself not caring, in the aspect that I can see something that needs to be done and I just have no motivation to do it at all. So the socks are on the floor...uh yeah and? Now mind you, this is coming from a total control freak so it is interesting that I am not acknowledging these items. Also I could have cared less if I ate or not.....it almost feels like deeper depression but it is too soon to say at this point, I have to remember that I am rewiring behaviors and beliefs about myself, it is just a very scary process in doing so. Who are we without our pain, anxiety, grief? How do we interact when we have held onto something for so long and let it define us as a person. I no longer say "My anxiety" I say "the anxiety" I just have to hold on and keep pushing forward through this thing called my life.

Interstingly later on in the day, I calmed a bit. I read my favorite chapter out of my favorite anxiety book called "At Last A Life" by Paul David (if you suffer from anxiety, it is a must read). But he states that the more we fight with our fear, the more it frays on our already frayed nerves. Basically when we develop anxiety we are already tired, so the more we fight with ourselves, the more tired we become, and remembering that, helped immensely. I still feel the depression, the uncertainty with my relationship, but my screaming inner kids have seemed to calm a bit. Hopefully this is going to continue and I can accept the quiet in my head :)