This happens every year, but not normally until February. The deep lingering, longing feeling of things that I just can't quite put my finger on that I want. The dark despair that so sweetly wraps me in its tentacles and covers my brain with a dark wool blanket. Never feeling awake or engaged no matter what I am doing. It often feels robotic like as long as I am going through the motions the things I know that need to get done will get done, if there is anything else to tend to, it takes a lot of my energy. I seem to be getting closer to the core of the anxiety as my protective bubble is stripped from me, and it was pointed out to me by a friend there are no pictures of me from ages 6-10, that is the time when my dad left and my mom locked herself away for a while. Now mind you, I don't really know if anything happened, but part of me is deathly afraid of that dark part in my brain that I cant retrieve anything from but blackness.
I am still struggling with the relationship, there is nothing inherently wrong with it, I think I just project my feelings onto him when I am under stress. He such a good, kind, man even offered abstinence because I am having intimacy issues and just feeling afraid in general. Considering it is finals and I am working a lot I would not be surprised if that falls into play in this situation. Plus the step daughters birthday and the holidays, money is tight and even though it is a time that I used to love and cherish, and now it just all exhausts me. Part of me just doesn't want to do it anymore. Can I just cancel the holidays? All the chaos, and just sleep until spring? I never tried sun lights but I may have to this winter.
I learned to not trust at a very early age, my heart was closed, and from there on out, I never really learned to be intamite. The ones that were supposed to teach me did not, and never leraning how to cope with my feelings takes a major toll on me as a sober adult. Everyday that passes just shows me more and more that this might just be who I am, and learning to cope and deal with it might be the way it is. I can be very thankful though for my sisters and my fioncee' they have been the corner stone to my support for the last 2 years. I have to remember to count my blessings and be thankful that I have had the experiences that I have had, I am lucky that way. All I can do is keep trying and keep going with the anxiety and the depression and hope one day I figure it out.
