Early dark

This happens every year, but not normally until February. The deep lingering, longing feeling of things that I just can't quite put my finger on that I want. The dark despair that so sweetly wraps me in its tentacles and covers my brain with a dark wool blanket. Never feeling awake or engaged no matter what I am doing. It often feels robotic like as long as I am going through the motions the things I know that need to get done will get done, if there is anything else to tend to, it takes a lot of my energy. I seem to be getting closer to the core of the anxiety as my protective bubble is stripped from me, and it was pointed out to me by a friend there are no pictures of me from ages 6-10, that is the time when my dad left and my mom locked herself away for a while. Now mind you, I don't really know if anything happened, but part of me is deathly afraid of that dark part in my brain that I cant retrieve anything from but blackness.

I am still struggling with the relationship, there is nothing inherently wrong with it, I think I just project my feelings onto him when I am under stress. He such a good, kind, man even offered abstinence because I am having intimacy issues and just feeling afraid in general. Considering it is finals and I am working a lot I would not be surprised if that falls into play in this situation. Plus the step daughters birthday and the holidays, money is tight and even though it is a time that I used to love and cherish, and now it just all exhausts me. Part of me just doesn't want to do it anymore. Can I just cancel the holidays? All the chaos, and just sleep until spring? I never tried sun lights but I may have to this winter.

I learned to not trust at a very early age, my heart was closed, and from there on out, I never really learned to be intamite. The ones that were supposed to teach me did not, and never leraning how to cope with my feelings takes a major toll on me as a sober adult. Everyday that passes just shows me more and more that this might just be who I am, and learning to cope and deal with it might be the way it is. I can be very thankful though for my sisters and my fioncee' they have been the corner stone to my support for the last 2 years. I have to remember to count my blessings and be thankful that I have had the experiences that I have had, I am lucky that way. All I can do is keep trying and keep going with the anxiety and the depression and hope one day I figure it out.

Fog

It is relentless, it is gray and claustrophobic. It reminds me of the anxiety and sadness I carry. I can look out and see the gray sky and the dampness that follows October dwelling. A small part of me manages to be excited for the holidays upcoming, but at the same time I am remorseful as I know they will end and the cycle will begin again. I think some days if I were happier and more content I would handle all of this like a breeze and really it wouldn't bother me, and I know this is true, but I am learning to accept the anxiety and depression as part of who I am. I guess somewhere along the line, I needed to deal with all the sadness and pain I repressed for so long, and I just hope that all this junk I feel is just grief. I have never lost my appetite or my motivation for what I know I have to do, but yet I feel like I have a kid at my heals dragging me and slowing me down.

Most days I feel a deeper calling to run and go do whatever it is my psyche thinks I am missing out on, but I know those are ancient feelings from my childhood and do not really serve who I am becoming now. Part of me is holding on to the familiar. I wish sometimes I could meet someone who feels these things, but with an explanation so I can go ok, that is what is wrong with me, perhaps it is something else I really don't know. Some days I feel crazy and I wish that I could just loose it and be done with it all, but it never happens. It is an endless cycle that I am searching for a way out of. Hopefully with diet changes and some labs I can come to a different conclusion and start a new change.

Anxiety is a strange bedfellow. I am afraid to do things on my own but I know I have to and I do. I long to run, but don't want to leave where I am. Is there a happy medium?

Falling to fall

It came back. The doom and gloom, pulling on my heartstrings, making me ask if I am going crazy and begging internally to be released from the pain of it. It's like gnawing feeling, a child tugging on your coat, trying to walk through snow that's too deep. It just stays with me all the time. I have moments of time where I feel ok and I function then commend myself for being so brave to do it all again today, but this is no way to live my life. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, never felt like I fit in, or really mattered. And there is part of me that is blocking that ability to feel, breathe, and just live my life as a normal person some days and I don't really know why. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for my mistakes growing up, but a lot of those were not my fault, I was young, I didn't know better. As a love addict or any addict for that matter we do things because it feels good right in that moment, and to have to struggle through the pain and find some sort of clarity inside of ourselves that is screaming YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH that is a feat in itself. Through all the therapy, the journaling, the exercise, the eating right, and still it prevails to leave me. Perhaps I do need medication I don't really know anymore, what I do know is I am tired of this, I deserve more, and I don't want to have this weighing on me daily.

The simple truth is, I could deal with this once in a while, even 3 times a week, but it seems to be daily again, and it is relentless, whatever IT is. I have more tests from the Dr's office to do, so hopefully it is some sort of nutirional thing or perhaps it is just the really desperate inner self of my child self crying once again because she is afraid. There is so much pain in there still to cover, wish me luck.

Sunday blahs

Did I ever mention I loathe Sundays. Poor Sunday, just another day of the week and blamed for so much unhappiness. Did no one think to consider Sunday's feelings in all of this? No? Yeah me either. The twisting knot of my stomach, churning, and bubbling, the tightness in my throat and chest, blah. I really do try to let it go and accept that another week is upon us, but really it gets to be quite trying at times. We had to take my soon to be step daughter home today. That always conjures up the emotions of when I was a child and my father bringing me back to a place I never felt I belonged in. I went to my Love addicts group this morning and so many interesting topics were discussed. Things that had been muddling about in my brain, but untouched verbally. The idea of sleeping with someone just to validate or to feel wanted, the idea that we can go with transitions in our life instead of reacting to them, or just the simple fact of feeling not accepted.

My inner kid has never felt that she mattered. Somewhere in my psyche she felt she just didn't have a place or purpose. She felt her ideas, hopes, dreams, and feelings didn't matter and no one took the time to embrace those things to even maybe affirm that she was special and important. My childhood memories are filled with loneliness and despair. Wanting nothing more than to be noticed and embraced for all that I was, but no one would. I was left to my own accord to handle the bullying on my own. In this very dark place I spent my days and nights, not wanting to go on sometimes but knowing that I had to. I placed my mother on a pedestal in fear that if I did not she would go to just like my father. But she wasn't really there anyway. We as addicts spend our lives putting others needs ahead of our own out of fear of loss, and before we realize it we become co-dependant and unable to process real feelings and real honest love out of fear.

Some days I find myself so terrified to love my fiancée, to really embrace him or my friends because I may lose them. And even though I know that life is life and things happen, it frightens me to really love people so deeply. At the same time I am also filled with joy because I have been able to experience this with someone. I have a need to control things, the future even, perhaps if I worry enough, I can make that change needed to prevent something awful from happening, perhaps if I over think it I can somehow control nature....it is interesting to think about, but at least I know where it stems from so I can continue healing that lost little part of myself that really does MATTER after all.

Discomfort of my wool blanket

I have always referred to the depression and anxiety as a wool blanket. It feels heavy and damp over my brain and I can't always see clearly. Up until Monday things have been actually, scary to say it but really good. I was focused and had happy moments with minimal discomfort, and to go as far as to say Sunday morning over breakfast I professed that I had nothing to be upset about after dropping and overly dramatic client. Monday then came and I felt really good, until there was some chaos and drama dropped on me from a friend. I was trying to take an understanding approach and explain to the other person involved what was happening because I felt offended and hurt, but they refused to listen, it actually came down to its my way or the highway situation, thus no one took into account anyone else's feelings and it was a mess. This triggered some really old feelings from school when I was bullied daily. I spoke with my therapist about it and she agreed that I have still unresolved issues from when I was in my early teens, when most of the damage occurred. She approached me with the idea that perhaps it is time to drudge it up and try to heal that wounded part of me. HOW SCARY! What ifs have been racing through my brain as to who or what I may become if I start removing the final really dark part of myself that I have kept hidden away and protected. All that hurt coming out, who would I become with out it? I think that is the really scary part to be honest. I can deal with grief and pain, but to not have that wool blanket over my head? WHOA......

So I guess that is the next thing. I wrote myself a letter reconstructing my first really painful experience and in caps and lots of F bombs, I proclaimed my awesomeness and how I should not have been treated in such a manner and I have to say it was quite awesome. The core, deep, bleeding, dark self of lonliness and handeling things on my own with no one to turn to part of myself is going to have to be exposed and little by little chipped away if I am ever to become a whole, healthy person. Baby steps right?

Melancholy Seasons

I love the rain. I really do, the dark swell of fall upon us. Leaves changing, pitter patter on the roof and the chance for me to hide again. I always embraced this time as a sleepy, cozy, protective blanket around my life that said, "ok you don't have to participate for a while." I embraced the dark of the days that gave me some relief from performing in the scorching blaze of summertime. Yet, as I grow older, I can feel it to the depths of my soul, the grief that comes with that change now.

As a love addict and general avoider of feelings and discomfort, I am now finally starting to identify that feelings are just well feelings. They are not an emergency even though at times it feels that way. I had a huge panic attack at one of my clients homes yesterday, and thankfully they were not there. I got through it as I always do, but anxiety seems to cling to us after it has stamped itself on to our conscious mind. The depression fuels it and they play ring around the rosy on one's brain.

There is no real explanation for the feelings or triggers. Possibly a sense of me not knowing what I want to do as a career, I feel a bit lost and do need to decide if I am going to continue my education or take another path. Buddhism says we can be content no matter what we do if we embrace the universe and let it flow around us, and if I were to wake up just content and could spend my days that way, instead of the dwelling feeling that would be wonderful. BUT I have to remember that dwelling feeling has been here my whole life. The nagging, pay attention to something feeling that I have always ignored now needs to be tended and cared for. We have to go through the pain and discomfort to change our old ways and patterns that no longer serve us and there will be times that the pain and discomfort are intense and uncomfortable, but I know with baby steps, encouragement and love from my support group that I can get through it.

I have seen huge changes in myself emotionally, choices I have made differently, and even when I feel bad I allow it to be because it is about learning from the pain and growth in ourselves to be healthier people. I faced the guy finally that logged in, I got into a place where I could hear his voice and he could hear mine and my finocee's in our game and in just seconds that beast was slain, he is nothing more to me now than a small glimmer of what may have been, but will never be and I am ok with that. I was proud of myself for just making the plunge and letting happen whatever was going to happen with the love and support of my wonderful fioncee.

I want to hope that what I am doing is creating a new place for myself that has a sense of belonging, calm, and loving structure that no storm can blow down. I want to hope that I can continue to gain ground and find more center in myself so I can help others who are lost to find themselves once again. I will continue to forge ahead and be ok no matter what gets put in front of me. I am hope, I am love, I am light.

Meeting me

I went to my 3rd meeting today. I discussed Mr. Unavailable from Friday night. I cried and so did another new comer. The longing feeling, the dead, numb, wtf am I doing feeling is strong today. I look at the pictures I created with my fioncee and his daughter and I think do I really want this? Just one phone call could take this pain away and I could go back into the life I had, being high. Being closed emotionally, anything but feeling this stuff. But I know I cannot. In reality, I love this life. I love my fioncee and my friends. It is in essence what I have always wanted and longed for, acceptance but still a part of me feels not good enough.

Children of abandonment suffer deep rejection and pain full idea about self. We are never good enough no matter what we do. We suffer as adults until we decide we don't want to anymore. So how do you find resolve without the other persons approval. When does it become ok to let go of a parent that does not serve you in a healthy way. How do you become ok with yourself in every aspect of your inner being knowing you are good enough? I struggle with these questions. How one person could devastate another being so easily and not care or try to care? I would never do that to a child.

So at least now I can look at my life and see a few things I need to work on instead of this huge luggage piece that is over loaded with issues to work through. I have conquered some items and am still working on others but at least my path is becoming more clear. Feeling vulnerable is ok with the right people. Exposing myself emotionally I can be loved and cared for in a healthy way without fear of being hurt. I can love and rely on others and know they will be there when I need them. It is removing the others that is the hard part. Learning to distinguish what is healthy and what is not and not allowing destructive people to rule my heart any longer.

Another reminder

Things have been calm this last week, which naturally frightens me. I am slowly learning to be ok with just being ok and not expecting the worst. And if the worst happens, practicing skills to deal with it in a calm manner. Last night however I found the one guy that caused more longing in me than I had experienced in years logged into the game I was playing. It was hard I have to admit, I wanted to chew him out and tell him he wasn't welcome in my territory any longer. This particular person reminded me so much of my father in his actions when I was growing up so naturally I was drawn to him. Even knowing he was emotionally unvavailable I still persued him in hopes that I would be good enough for him to take interest and maybe love me at some point. I struggled with that part with my father, not feeling good enough after his abandonment and still to this day sometimes.

I cried when I went to bed not wanting the rush of seeing his name in my presence and I also felt angry that I even gave him any emotion at all. But I realized after a few minutes that it is just another thing I need to heal with in myself. The longing feeling of wanting to be saved overwhelming me and making me feel weak and unworthy. That part that still longs for escape to anywhere but where I am, constantly engulfed by the need to run. At least I was. I realized with my fioncee' sitting next to me that I have more love from him, my friends, and family, his daughter, and for myself that it can drown that longing feeling. It empowered me to realize this love I have from and for these people can burn down any pain I may encounter and it may not be over night but the love slowly fills up the empty part that is hurting and I see now that even though I may be afraid sometimes, it is ok and I will be alright.

We stay in states for so long we forget what it is like to just live in a neutral place with minimal hurt. We adopt that part of us as who we are and it becomes our personality. But we do not have to stay in that state, we do not have to allow the feelings to take over us and run us into the ground. I will continue on my journey, but as I go, I become more in tune and aware of the things I wish to fine tune about myself and hope that the calm and spirituality come to me that I seek. With the love and support of my family, I think I can do almost anything.

Pumpkin mania

I went out to my once lush garden to find a pumpkin patch. I have never grown pumpkins but I found myself in awe of how fast they grow. My spinach had taken a dump but the strawberries and lemon balm were flourishing nicely. I also found a tomato on my plant which I was particularly proud of because I grew that from a seed. It is the same as my life. The pumpkin patch represents something I didn't think I wanted. It slowly took over my personal area and at first I was appauled by it wanting to pull it out for the other small things to have room to grow and breathe but as the season approaches, I am beginning to understand that I need to embrace this giant beast of a plant and put all the love and nurturing into it I can.

I made a decision this weekend to propose to my boyfriend. How on earth did I do a 180 like that? Well I discovered I had a back up guy, mr. WHAT IF. What if we broke up, I would have someone to fall back on right? Total love addict thing to do. I release this guy, I told him no more conversations that involved flirting in any way, shape, or form. I had never really developed feelings for him, nor even met this man, but as I always did, I had him on the back burner just in case. The moment I delivered this information to him I felt a weight had been lifted off me, and I was free from my own chains. The part that I had been withholding I was able to give fully now to my guy and I cannot say a more clearer time in my life that I was so sure of anything. Even though I had no feelings for this online person in the relationship sense, I had somewhere in my psyche created a world where he may someday come to pass. And as sad as that is, I am proud of myself for seeing it and letting him go. I put pressure on myself that way, never fully commiting to anyone ever, including my X husband now that I think of it. I was always on foot out the door simply because I was afraid of being hurt. Being able to say, "Hey you wana leave? That's ok, cause I never loved you anyway" nice excuse to hide behind. And this all stems from not being loved as a kid and having stipulations put on you as to what love is and how you will receive it. I was just not it seems at times, loved at all. And when all the relationships around you are falling apart and you never witness a really true love between two people, you have nothing to base your feelings on. Hence always needing another person in wait, be it known or not, he was just that.

Why is this time different you may ask? Because I no longer have a reason to go, I no longer have a secondary that is there to distract me from my fears. I am standing alone in my corner of our relationship pyramid and it feels wonderful. The anxiety left me after I gave that ring to my guy, and I gave one to his daughter as well. I felt that she needed to see the commitment I am making to our family. The ring I wear not only symbolizes my commitment to him but to myself. To continuing to persue my happiness and my healing that is needed to become even more of a whole person. I have made a huge leap in my recovery and I am so proud of myself :)

Dark emptiness

It comes on like a wool blanket over my brain and I cannot seem to see the sun in these moments. Times when I think why am I doing this, why do I carry on and want to crawl out of my skin. I attended an Love addicts AA meeting and it was quite insiteful, I am happy I went. But it also made me recognize how brutal this thing is to have to go through. Withdrawl claws at your soul and your being and takes and takes from you. I had a good weekend, Saturday was relaxed and I told myself I would be more patient with my recovery and give myself more time. I have a tendancy to try to go from point A to point B but really I need to embrace the GROWTH journey I am on and revel in each moment because one day this part will be over and I think I will look back on it with love and wonder.

The anxiety takes hold, the sadness and I don't want to face reality. The pain becomes almost unbearable at times but I know I have things to hold onto and reasons to keep going. The love addiction takes hold and makes me want to run as fast as I can from everything and everyone that I know. The grief is deep and I have faith that this will pass but I have to be patient and embrace it instead of fighting it. I started taking a natural anti depressant supplement yesterday so we will see how that goes. Anxiety is hard, and it doesn't help that depression and addiction are stacked on top of one another, but for all the years I repressed these feelings, it isn't going to happen over night. I am hopeful that it will pass and I will keep moving forward marking everyday that I make progress and stay "sober" from my addictions. I have removed certain things that can possibly affect relapsing and that doesn't help either but they are good, healthy things to NOT do any longer so I pat myself on the back for that.

Life goes on, we do the best we can, and we continue on regardless. I will keep pushing forward and wait to make any major decisions until this receeds.

Past Reminders

We only have this moment. These few precious seconds that we take for granted daily. At least I do, I think. I try not to and be consiensious of it but to no prevail I live in the future, and the past thus expereienceing anxiety and depression. I went to the gravesite of a friend of mine who passed away 10 years ago. I never went to his burial because well I was fully self induced at the time and yes I cried when I heard but I just never made the time. With the reflections in my life I am experiencing and realizing that we DO need other people when we struggle, I can now acknowledge that I am just a mortal..shocking isn't it. I never was able to bond as a child with anyone really. I never had anyone to rely or count on growing up and I spent so many days and nights unbearably alone and lonely. I still feel it from time to time in the back of my heart when I think about my days as a teenager wanting someone, anyone to say hey, how are you today, do you need to talk? Hey you know what, you are awesome, and I love you. But those days didn't come, at least I cant remember any picture perfect heart warming times, but maybe I blocked those parts out because the pain comes on too strong somdays and I just want it to shut off.

I had lunch with my oldest and dearest girlfriend and she reminded me as she always does that I have to be gentler on myself. From driving to seattle with a fear of driving to doing my job every day to the best of my ability, to be kinder and more loving to me. I forget you know, the darkness and fear have ways of seeping in and taking over the happy places, completely stripping you of your humanity at times and it can be quite frustrating. I grive for my past, I grieve for my anger, I greive for the loss of what may have, could have, and perhaps should have been. The birthdays I never had, holidays never shared, family dinners, and simply just a bonding experience of love and neutrality  that brings on the feelings of being content in life. Learning how to deal with stress and anxiety without turning to relationships or drugs to help you through and knowing you can handle anything that comes at you.

See I have this now in my life. I have my support group, I have people who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally and it is truly a blessing, but until I learn to love myself it is hard for me to fully embrace it. The pain is intense and deep and it flares up at random times. Am I punishing myself, am I getting out unresolved pain now that I am sober,  am I just trying to find my contentment, I really don't know at this point. I know I try to do the best I can, and put people ahead of me now instead of behind like I used to do. The pain is ok, because I need to feel it, it is there for a reason. I don't want to cover it anymore and bury it because every day I get closer to being ok with just being.

Daily gratitude

I wonder sometimes when I look at my life how I got so lucky. A home, my own business, almost a college graduate, a loving partner, a beautiful step child to embrace and yet I still feel empty. I take the time to remind myself of what I have, and want nothing more than to feel grateful and content, but it seems to airse only in moments of total stillness. When I wake in the morning I feel just blah then anxiety sets in and I dread getting out of bed. Sometimes I feel really out of place in this life. When I was using at least I could ignore my feelings and just be high, not having to face the normalcy of life. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, the deep, dark emptiness inside of me, looming and pulling on my coat tails. I sit and I wait as the waves of anxiety pass over me, but yet I have no answer as to why I feel this way. Granted I am only 2 years into starting to really heal my old wounds so it is quite possible that I am just in fact mourning.

When we spend our lives in a cocoon of pain and hurt, just covering it year after year and running from it, and the time finally comes that you have to face and embrace that pain, it is not an easy thing to do without medication. Granted I have tried anti depressants and found that they merely mask the real core issues inside me, thus this is why I deal with the discomfort day in and out. There are so many things left for me to do and a limited amount of time to do them, there are peoples lives I still need to touch and help, and by doing that it helps me day by day. To find some solace in this life I have avoided is my ultimate goal but at least I know it is out there somewhere. Anxiety is a strange bedfellow and if you allow it, It will take over your life one day, one thought, one moment at a time until you cannot breathe or see straight. It will suck your will and throw you in a deep well because really that is where we are most comfortable, in a dark place where we have to deal with on one. Anxiety can be over bearing and quarrelsome and really truly dibelitating. The fear it feeds off of is deep and scarring and if we allow it, it will become who we are.

I no longer claim my anxiety, I do not say "my anxiety or my depression" anymore because they do not deserve those titles in my body or mind. They are not mine, I do not want to own them and refuse now. I find humor when I can, I bring love to whom I can, and try to do my best to be a good person every day, even when I am uncomfortable or in pain. It is how I know I am human after all.

Uncanny Happenings

I finally made it. The drive to Seattle that I have been putting off for 4 years, yes 4 years. I have had this fear of doing it alone since my anxiety really reared up, but I finally made it. The journey there was quick and painless, coming back was a little harder. I rather enjoyed my time and I wished I would have had another day with my friend. Funny enough though, while I was there we ended up going out to eat, we were going to go to one spot, but changed our minds and went to another. I chose to sit in the bar as opposed to waiting for a table, and low and behold about 10 min after I sat down, one of the leaders of the pack of wolves that used to pick on me in school walked in and was seated directly behind me....what are the chances....I chose to ignore her as I left, although she did see the shit eating grin on my girlfriends face as she put her arm around my waist smiling and we casually strolled out. I felt the shock and what the...is that...moment exude from my old nemis's bloated, unhappy face, and for a moment I felt safe reeling in the fact that I was just that, safe. One of my best friends held my hand as we walked out and that bully of a beast could no longer harm me. I thought what lesson was that about? But it was brought to my attention that perhaps that wasn't about me, maybe it was for her to see me....who knows, but the universe delivers us what we need when we need it. This weekend was a focus for letting go and healing some old strings I still had bound to me. Releasing an oath that I made to someone that did not deserve my love or time, giving me a chance to loose the longing feeling and maybe just be in peace for once. My Saturday was filled with cartoons, chocolate, and reveling in the fact that my intuition is much stronger than I had given it credit for.

So my point is, we all need support, we all need people to love and care for us, especially if we are children of abandonment. We need to know someone will be there to pick us up AT TIMES, when we are to weak or lost to find our way. My girlfriend came along right as this journey started for me, she has been there every step, unyielding and loving me unconditionally and I am so thankful for her and my non blood sister for their compassion. Anxiety can wreak havoc on us, and we feel the need to hide and do what it wants us to do, because we are safer in our bubble no? I am discovering through the hypnotherapy and my own self love that a warmth is growing inside me. A deeper love, that cannot be stopped and I am happy to let it swallow me whole. It is an amazing, calm, and spiritual place that I would love to reside on a daily basis, so I could in return give it to others regularly. I will keep working towards it and loving me. The paintings and hugs and I missed you Jen from an 8 year old that isn't yours, but could be and probably was in a past life remind me that I need to be in the moment, and that it isn't as scary as my anxiety would like to convince me it is. I am on the right path, and I will stay here, pain or no pain, I am finally starting to feel like I belong somewhere.

Childhood triggers anyone?

Anxiety is a subconscious trigger in which our brain says WHOA fight or flight! Put your dukes up! GAH again? No more!!! Random conversations I have with myself. Then the disconnect, then the tears. Then the depression, I am in a hamster wheel some days. After my second session I felt some relief, some cleansing if you will, but my wound is just open. The more I push myself to stay in this wonderous relationship the more vulnerable I become thus opening the wounds even further and pushing out even more gunk that I have kept in there. My bandaid is off and it is terrifying.

Are love addicts able to reciprocate love as real love or do we ever really get over the addiction. I find myself torn from moment to moment with this huge list of why I love this person to why I should run (which the only reason is my anxiety about loving someone and being vulnerable). Just for one time I would like to talk to someone who has been through this before and know that they came out on the other side a stronger person, still in the relationship they processed in. My hypnotherapist pulled out my inner kid from the closet she was hiding in and cleaned out my emotional septic tank, I hope my subconscious can process all that. I am curious to see how the next couple of days go since I am doing my first drive out of town to see one of my best friends. A much needed venture, out on the open road, all by my lonesome.

Anxiety is a chemical we release when we feel threatened, addictions of all kinds stem from a lack there of internally. We spend our days and nights high, avoiding pain and darkness, and once we start to see the light, the anxiety sets in to kick us back down. It lies to us, tries to convince us to be afraid, and that we are not worthy or lovable. But it also brings us back to reality, that there are issues that need to be addressed. Tonite wasn't so bad when he came home, I was relieved he was here, and felt a warmth when he hugged me, gives me some hope that I can over come this beast of burden.

Mood booster

Oddly enough last night as my therapist said, I wasn't as down as I normally am. Even this morning, I got out of bed and even though it is Monday and I am never too enthused about them, it wasn't bothering me like it normally does. It was a nice change. I spent the day doing affirmations with my inner monologue in the NOW moment and I found myself having a massive boost of the feeling of love filled with unbridled energy. I had to stop at my friends work and give him a hug and tell him I love him for no apparent reason. I was in luck to find another friend of mine there so I greeted her the same way, they both looked at me suspiciously because normally I am way more withdrawn.

Almost having a manic happy high caught me off guard and I did experience some anxiety from it but as I did long ago, I vowed to never falter to the anxiety beast again. Yes it can make me uncomfortable, not want to continue doing or go do what I am about to partake in, anxiety has taken, coffee, sugar, and alcohol from me (not necessarily a bad thing), but they are from time to time nice things to be able to have in the moment of a early twilight around a campfire or on a brisk morning out on a deck in the sun. But alas it has been years since I have had those pleasures without suffering a anxiety attack afterwards. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and lack of certain vitamins can really cause a ruckus on your nervous system if you have them and or need them. I didn't have enough D and needed more B complex come to find out. I remember at one time I was scared to eat in general too and most foods I steered from out of fear of the invisible foe of anxiety. I now just push through it, grin at it and say, what do you have for me now.

Anxiety has never really struck me down or physically hurt me, but it has and still does make me REALLY uncomfortable, I mean, really, really, IM in a store, need to run out uncomfortable, can this person take any longer to get through the line at the store uncomfortable. Really my end goal is to change my behavior patterns from running to being comfortable in a safe relationship and staying. Lifting the depression and spatting on the anxiety thus drop kicking it. When I question my feelings for my boyfriend (which is total normal from what I have been told) it causes me to feel guilt about being where I am, but you see as a love addict, this is what I do. I continue in a cycle of staying until the love hormones wear off and the high is gone, then I am gone. I am trying to duke this one out and stay through the pain, because well I have never cared enough about anyone to do so, including my X husband. SOOOO how can I say I don't know how I feel but that I have never cared enough about anyone to stay? Good question, I am still working on that myself. My feelings fluxuate day to day and I have never really been loved or learned to love in return in a healthy way, so that is really what I am doing. But what I do know is I cannot see my life without him or his daughter, I cannot think of him with another woman, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Is that love? I guess so.

Until then, I still have 5 more sessions with this therapist, I am pretty excited for the next one to see the progress, as its unfolding. Hopefully this good stuff will keep coming at me, and I can let more of the baggage go that I have been holding onto for dear life because really, when we are healthy and have no demons chasing us, and that part of our identity is gone, who are we?

Just a side note this evening. I was just sitting here feeling terribly uncomfortable. Questioning why I stay in a relationship (mind you that is FANTASTIC, and I don't have to try, I could go on and on about how wonderful he is) but because of the pain I experience in staying, it is all worth it to me. But I forget one thing, I am an addict. One quick key stroke in my brain of a certain WAY past x relationship from 15 years ago, set my cravings at bay. Mind you I DO NOT love this person, nor did I ever, it was the HIGHLY addictive quality of what he offered me that kept me coming back and that I still crave, from the drugs, to the love addiction he kept me strung out like a junkie for years, and yet that part of me still misinterprets INTENSITY for INTAMACY...that is a hard thing to decipher and to acknowledge. Perhaps I do need a 12 step program which my so wonderful fella has agreed to go and support me through if I wish. You see I could not ask for a better mate, best friend, traveling companion and lover as what I have with this man, but there is and will always be this part of me that longs for that THING that was instilled in me at a young age, and I have to remember it lies, it is false, and I have to fight it and remind myself why I stay and where I want to be.

The Real Punching Bag

We have put up the punching bag. I watched as my boyfriend climed into our attic, drill in hand to conqur the celing and make it his bitch. Hot, sweaty, stinky, the dust forcing him to cough, the dark forcing his eyes to shift, he found himself up in that triangle box taking on an invisible screw. He was successful, the bag was installed and I cannot wait to unleash some of this pent up anger I have brewing beneith the surface of my depression...amen to that.

Chances are my anxiety could get worse or I could cry at random and feel utterly hopeless from my subconscious being pryed open by a Mind Mechanic, I am assessing a pretty good chance. Since last night have had more anxiety and depression in a very long time, but I was warned that I may be experiencing more of the depression. I feel like my blankey has been taken from me. I was told today that NORMAL people don't have to create coping skills to make it through life, that came as a shock to me considering I had always thought that was a normal thing. Everything I thought I knew is wrong, and it has shaken me to my core.

My coping skill was to run, always, and I did. Anytime those love hormones stopped or I came down off my high, I was off to the races, running to avoid commiting to anything really. My fear of owning  a home, being settled, or having kids, all have been formed from my experiences. So when my boyfriend came along, he offered all thins I was afraid of including safety, stability, and some sense of value. He loves all of me, ALL OF ME, even the dark parts that I never shared with anyone but him and he has never used those things against me like some in the past.

Now I am finally in a position where I am stopping the running and facing the beast that has tormented me for many years. I am armed with my writing, painting, my friends, my family, and the knowledge that I have obtained. This therapy is a 6 week system and from what I can see from my experience yesterday and today, it is going to be interesting. It is my journey, my own time to finally come out of my cocoon and spread my wings, (sounds cliché I know) but that really is what is happening. I have spent years hiding behind this thing I created to protect myself, but I am finally in a safe enough place to come out and explore without fear or doubt. And the thing I wanted more as a child, someone to spend my time with, love and accept me has happened as well, I just have to be brave enough to reach out and grab it without fear.

Body high

I found myself on my therapists couch at 845 this morning fearful but yet hopeful. I laid on the couch and visualized an ocean and this lyricist began to speak. The hour session went by quickly and at a few points I did find myself with numb hands and arms, drifting in and out of reality. After all was said and done I experienced this incredible body high that left me smiling and giggling. I felt drugged almost, it was peculiar but quite comfortable. UNTIL dun dun dun, I began to realize that part of my safety net (anxiety) that I had lived in for years and years was beginning to unravel. The discomfort of knowing that this thing you have been identifying yourself as and with was possibly being taken away, boy do I feel vulnerable wowie. The feeling started to disperse until I went to lunch then anxiety came on with a vengeance boooooo :(. But there are other factors in my life at the moment that could be affecting my mood including that vat of chips I ate hellllo carbo-liciousness.....

Otherwise I find myself not caring, in the aspect that I can see something that needs to be done and I just have no motivation to do it at all. So the socks are on the floor...uh yeah and? Now mind you, this is coming from a total control freak so it is interesting that I am not acknowledging these items. Also I could have cared less if I ate or not.....it almost feels like deeper depression but it is too soon to say at this point, I have to remember that I am rewiring behaviors and beliefs about myself, it is just a very scary process in doing so. Who are we without our pain, anxiety, grief? How do we interact when we have held onto something for so long and let it define us as a person. I no longer say "My anxiety" I say "the anxiety" I just have to hold on and keep pushing forward through this thing called my life.

Interstingly later on in the day, I calmed a bit. I read my favorite chapter out of my favorite anxiety book called "At Last A Life" by Paul David (if you suffer from anxiety, it is a must read). But he states that the more we fight with our fear, the more it frays on our already frayed nerves. Basically when we develop anxiety we are already tired, so the more we fight with ourselves, the more tired we become, and remembering that, helped immensely. I still feel the depression, the uncertainty with my relationship, but my screaming inner kids have seemed to calm a bit. Hopefully this is going to continue and I can accept the quiet in my head :)

Deep relaxation

What is that exactly, deep relaxation. Not quite anxietys friend huh? Brace yourself because if we can control anything that MIGHT possibly happen ever in the future then we will be just fine, that is if you can control every aspect of every person, place, and thing you encounter....Welcome to my world. Now I understand there are SOME things you can control, but in reality 90% you cannot control anything. Trying to convince my inner kid who is gripping my leg so tightly is another matter. She believes her world is going to fall apart at any minute so A: Why stick around anywhere or anyone for long B: if she can control the weather, things might be ok. Why do I argue with a 5 year old? Well, habit for one, and 2 I try to do internal monologueing to let her know I haven't forgotten about her like I did all those years prior.

Our anxiety can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. I can open new worlds to us or make us want to dig a hole as deep as the middle of earth and live in the dark so we can never be hurt or seen by human eyes and hearts. Anxiety lies and asks us to stay in or plainly, to not live, not love, and be alert all the time!! Thanks Adrenal glands, I think mine need a vacation, seriously. Eventually you either get enveloped by the fear or your push against it and say F U anxiety, I wont do what you tell me (which is what I do 99% of the time). Mind you not with total enthusiasm always, BUT I try my hardest. I dreampt about my x husband, his mother, gma (both total angry, hateful women) a friend that abandoned me, and I feel I may have got some closure in the fact that I could tell my X husband that I hoped he was happy and now has a second chance at healing his old hurts. I woke up not upset, just neutral, but feeling as if I had accomplished something, dreams are the subconsious's way of saying good-bye or getting closure on things we cannot get it otherwise.

I had a consulatation with a hypnotherapist today. I will be having my first session tomorrow, I am quite excited. The guy is quite brilliant but filled with manly, earthy tones, and crazy good energy. Someone who has been a "mind mechanic" as he called himself for 40 years. And even though my inner kid wanted to scream and kick, and say well we need to cover this or that my adult self stepped in and just said, lets just see what happens. No expectations, just a curious journey for us :)

The Hollywood Lie

There is no running down the track crying, there is no "You complete me", there are no princes on white horses or princesses that do your bidding, there are however evil queens and evil step parents :).

My point is, the lie that is told about love is deep rooted in every little girl, and some little boys. There is an idea that love is this thing that we just KNOW and feel and jump for every single time. But that is not correct. Love is an action, and a feeling, but more of an action. We make the choice to be loving, we make the choice to live everyday, day in and day out with the same person over and over again. Love addicts such as myself will and do struggle with this idea because we are convinced from the start we are not good enough, and not valued as people. We never became a whole person growing up so we attach ourselves to someone else that "completes us." There is this stigma that we cannot have doubts or be unsure or question or it means the relationship is over and from what I have been told that is very normal. For me it is really painful sometimes. I don't cope well under a lot of stress and small things that would normally be let go easily by some, I hold onto as if they are keeping me afloat.

Since I moved 33 times in my life I am now 35, it is very hard to stay in one place. Holding down a house, a business, and school is hard sometimes, especially when stress hits, I want to hit the pavement, get in my car, and get the F out of dodge. There is this emptiness that follows me daily, a dark spot that was never filled or cared for a child and its almost like a small kid following me around tugging at my sleeve reminding me. The drug, love addiction and my abandonment behavior I am very aware of now, I just need to find a way to sit still for a while without the drugs to cope and figure out how to love myself so I can be a better partner and friend to everyone in my life. This journey is long and the 20 years of suppressed depression and anxiety are hitting home, but I will continue on to find the peace I am searching for.

The stigma that we are supposed to just "know" that our mate is it, and that we are supposed to just want to rip their clothes off and if that those things are gone that the relationship is over, is FALSE. If we gave up on everything that lost its luster we would be without a great and many things. Part of loving someone is committing to that person, thus committing to your own self by accepting stability and love in your life. Our main priority is us, but when you really love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what, even if you have to sacrifice to provide that for them, that is loving unconditionally. Once you have been held with love you will know it when it happens, and you cannot replace that with any drug or thing. We have to fill ourselves up, so we can give unconditionally to others. Saying I love you to hear it back is not love, doing things in order to receive them back is not love, it is insecurity. The lie is very real, and too many relationships are failing because of it.

So this is normal?

I cringe at it. Some would embrace it, normal......what is normal anyway. Normal for me was being overstimulated emotionally either from love hormones or drugs, or even better both. Just high, high and unaware of my own emotional being inside of me screaming for help but I ignored her. I spent my childhood avoiding reality by making up fantasies about being rescued (quite common for abandonment sufferers) and as an adult living those fantasies through the misuse of my mind, body, and spirit. I think its hard when you have spent your time chasing unavailable men or women and you get your high, then it wears off, then you move on to the next.

I am now in my first adult, sober, stable, loving relationship and I am so bored some days OMG. Get up, go to work, go to school, blah blah. I have a tendancy to project my feelings and blame him when my happiness or enthusiasm is not his responsibility. When you have spent your life as an addict, it is hard to swallow the idea that normal is what you will have for the rest of your life. Love is an action, you choose to love someone, embrace them through hair loss, weight gain or loss, financial issues and choose to over look the negative aspect of relationships. And here I am trying to do that but still have a wall up that I cant seem to put down. Because I don't get high off this man, my teenage emotional self thinks that I don't love him, but my adult self knows I do, I am in a constant war with myself and it gets very tiring.

I accept this man, want to marry him, and grow old with him, but I first need to work on me and my emotional needs and self. He knows all this about me, he is after all my best friend. He has held my hand through my breakdowns and my times when I just needed a hit of the love drugs and I have withdrawn many, many times. Its a hard new life to live, but it is worth it to me to have him by my side. Just one more thing to withdraw from, life is fun lol.

Kittens got the blues

I found myself wondering today if it is all worth it. The pain, the discomfort, the agonizing over little things day in and day out. What makes it worth all this 5 days a week when you only get 2 days of I feel alright? I still haven't come to a conclusion on that thought, perhaps it is very normal what I am experience and I just don't know it? I wish for a few moments I could step into someone Else's mind and feel what they do. I remember the only time I have ever felt really alive and happy was when I was using adderal, but alas that is not the best thing for me and my anxiety. Why should I have to take a drug to feel happy or normal? I know people who take pills now and they still don't feel alright, just manageable they say. Over stimulation from our society, ads being jammed down our throats, porn on daytime tv, and drama being main lined into our brains to keep us addicted to being wired and full of drama. Perhaps that is where my sadness comes from, the with drawl of drama. My inner kid thrives on it, she craves it, especially when bored and I used to feed it to her in massive quantity.

I do realize now that wont make me happy. Most days I want to interact with other mammals, mainly my pets and my boyfriend but that about draws the line. I worry too much about other people when really they aren't worrying about me, why such and such a person passes my thoughts, I cannot say, I know I do not pass theirs. Perhaps when I am spending my time on the thought of other people, I need to turn it to me and say what do you need to do to be happy in this moment. Living in the now is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and it is through baby steps, that I am trying to weave my way out of this ball of emotional yarn I am wrapped in. I have a wonderful life, I am so very blessed, I have 2 loving and supportive best friends who I fully trust, a fantastic boyfriend, I am 2 semesters from graduation with my A.A., I am buying a home, and I own my own business, so "why the long face?" Perhaps it is being stable that causes that, the mundane of doing the same thing day in and out that gets to me, or its the drama withdrawal.

My cat seems to follow my moods and as my boyfriend held him this afternoon he mewed and bit at his arm, I wonder sometimes is he picking up on my mood? Perhaps, but I found it quite humorous to see my emotional state through a feline. We go day in and day out, working today for Friday, and yet the emptiness still prevails. Knowing how fast time is slipping by I still find myself looking forward, yearning for it to go faster? Strangely enough I allowed myself to let some control go last night and not remind my boyfriend of things that needed to be done, I think I will just not give a crap for a while and let the house get dirty.

Sunday blues and a long weekend that wasn't so long

How is it time goes by so fast as we age. From my boyfriend's daughters 8 yr old mind, 20 minutes is like hours when she is excited, I suppose the same would apply to me right before vacation, but I always savor the build up to the thing I am excited about. We went camping this weekend, the full nine yards but with one friend (another 8 yr old girl) in tow hoping that it would suppress the boredom for my boyfriend's daughter. It did to an extent but I was taught a swift lesson. Not only were there the girls but my nephew brought his step son and a friend as well both under the age of 12. Due to my obsessive worrying I did not rest as much as I hoped, it was very little to be frank. I have never had kids, never wanted any, but I knowingly fell in love with a man who has a child. I have come to the conclusion that she was brought to help me in my journey of healing as a representation of little Jen and she is. I struggle through her struggles, and I cry internally when I know she has to go home on sunday night just as I did as a kid. She always wants to stay but cannot due to the separation.

The two girls and boys did alright surprisingly and it made me proud that I had organized this for his daughter to have a friend to play with, BUT it gave me no rest. From the  7am wake up for bathroom escorts to the "stop it! you are being annoying!" at 11 pm after they were suppose to be in bed, to who will feed them, what if she drowns...the list goes on. My niece in law turned and said Jen! Even when you are sitting you aren't really sitting. My nervous energy is felt by the sensitive and I am looking for that change. Learning to deal with stress better and to let some of my need for control go is important to me for my mental and physical well being, but letting go is incredibly hard. Being tossed around as a kid makes you more prone to wanting to have everything in control as an adult (or you are just careless and jump out of planes regularly LOL). I unfortunately hae the control issues. And this shown brightly this weekend, I have admitted I need help, and I have to let things go, I can let other people do some of the work and it will be done one way or the other.

It is now sunday after noon and the anxiety is setting in. The restless, something is wrong, but I cant quite put a finger on it, Im way too tired for this, how will I take on the week, can we fly to California so I can run and escape feeling is hitting home. Not wanting to go to work or face reality hits home and my stomach churns. Tears are welling up and I feel really lost and out of sorts right now. I have felt over tired since last night and I have moments where I think I wil run down the street flailing my arms and screaming, but then I think who cares if I do anyway? Its no ones business but mine, but the break down remains placid. I was scrolling through Face book, my one day a week and I saw I had not been invited to a wedding that what I thought was a close friend had had. She moved last year and it was quite upsetting, I came across the pictures and immediately wanted to hurt her for hurting me, for not allowing me to be a part of her ceremony because I had put a lot of time into her, (abandonment rears its ugly head when these things happen and I am not proud of this fact), but I did not, I look at her picture, saw how beautiful she was, wished I could have seen it and logged out. Facebook is a cancer on our society and it causes more pain than people will admit. I am trying to unplug as much as I can, and be focused on me. There is too much garbage dumped into our minds, over stimulation is promoted as the normal, there is no way to just be anymore, how do we find our zen anyway?

The Cat's in the Garage

I went out to look for my camping gear and my orange tabby that so loves to try to run into our fascinating garage did indeed slip by my eyes and my hands once I saw him. He ran to the end of the room and I hoped frantically that he would not run out into the light. I hit the garage door button and the giant machine began grinding. His ears laid back and his eyes bulged and he looked at me desperately as the jaws of this beast were coming right down on him, I opened the door and he ran in, fur flying.

My 4th of July morning though I have the house to myself. It is quiet, peaceful and literally (even though I live in a cul-de-sac) all you can hear is the wind and my chimes. I sometimes wish when the storm that was brewing inside me was calm like that, but I have vowed to change my life and my way of thought. I have read a most wonderful book about attaching to our thoughts and questioning everything we think, if it is true or not, and really it makes sense. We carry stresses and guilt when we place judgment on others looking for our own self fulfillment, its silly really. As adults we cannot expect anyone or thing to bring us joy, it is our job to do that. My inner kids seemed to have quieted down since the wedding past. My father was there, the first time in over a year since I last saw him, same as the year before. I remember going 10 years without seeing him, and now I just see him as a stranger. I don't know this man, nor have I ever. He has always been secretive and I used to think he was part of the FBI or CIA or something like that when I was a kid, he was elusive and lived away from people. But now I just see a man who lost a family and is getting older, I am sure the guilt eats at him, but he still makes no attempt to be a part of our lives regularly, I guess it is his loss now isn't it. My boyfriends daughter met him, and he watched her play cards at an overly lavish table that we devoured ribs at so at least once she will see the person I want her to see with him, instead of who I know he is. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I do not love who he is or how he treats our family, I find myself becoming more protective of myself and commiting myself to this little girl because I don't want her to feel how I felt about a parent.

My anxiety waxes and wanes. I know due to the holiday and long weekend, things will be mellow and relaxing the buildup is coming and soon there will be the exhale but I also know I have a pattern and a certain distaste for Mondays (as we all do). The calm comes in and that deep, nagging feeling starts eating away at my core somedays, while others its like a child pulling on my shirt HEY!, HEY! pay attention to me! Because really all anxiety is, is a call to ourselves to pay attention, something needs to be worked on or brought to light so we can deal with it. Anxiety is our friend really even though it feels like you want to crawl in a hole and never come out, it lies to us, it bears its teeth and tells us to not go outside, or to not love someone, but the reality is, it is just endorphins because we are afraid or hurt. Being open to the fear, the pain, the anguish is really the key to understanding ourselves because even science hasn't figured out our minds.

Like lightning

It hits out of no where. The HEEBIE GEEBIES (as I fondly call them) come to call at random times of day. When I am driving, or the gym, or my favorite, in the grocery store ewe. The chill that runs up your spine and your brain and body scream RUN, RUN, RUN!!! Although there are no tigers in the produce isle at the store, our subcnsious thinks there are. This used to happen a lot more to me a few years ago, the anxiety would creep in regularly, keeping even the smallest task of walking to the store or driving a few blocks a huge endeavor. It really started when I was a truck driver and my X hit another rig causing me to break my leg. Since then I haven't been the same. Parts of me are returning slowly, but I have moments of really high stress and it all returns, then come the baby steps.

My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. He is literally everything I could ever want in a partner and mate. But the fear from the divorce and the abandonment well up and I find myself panicking once again and wanting to run out the front door. How could this wonderous creature want me long term and when is he going to go? I have a life with him, a house, his daughter loves me, it would seem quite wonderful, but alas I have fears. They creep in and sit in my subconscious waering away at me. "He will leave, how can anyone love you, how do you know if you want this long term, how do you know this guy is right for you?" well you better go and fast before you don't get any answers, where life is nice and predictable and you don't have to be vulnerable!! GOGOGO! I get so fed up sometimes, he doesn't  give me the high that I want, he doesn't leave me feeling unfulfilled or unloved, or waiting for his call. He is predicatable, kind, passionate, loving....terrible I know huh?

Well for someone who has suffered at the hands of basically everyone she was close with leaving her, safefy is not a safe place. Its a scary, unknown, uncharted place that she has never gone into. Some days I feel nothing, there is no spark, no desire, the sure will of well this is over, lets go find something more exciting to do eh? But I have to tell myself no, I refuse to go. I have to go through this uncharted place if I am ever to experience pure love and devotion to not only myself but to another human soul. By tromping through this SAFE place with him, I am forced to pull up all the things I hate and have decided I am as a child and try to unravel them one idea at a time. I am forced to have to look at the pain for what it is and embrace it and love it and know that I am not the 13yr old kid anymore who was beaten and abused, the one who self abused for years avoiding the pain and anguish I had so held dear to me. By letting go of who I was or what I used to believe in, part of me feels like I am letting go of myself, thus the grieving. I go in stages, sometimes it comes in the form of anxiety, sometimes just sadness and I force myself to tap into that and feel it. But after almost 3 years I wonder sometimes if it is ever going to stop so I can be at peace. I will keep trying and I will keep trying to hold faith that this is where I need to be in my life so I can heal in the arms of this loving man and my own loving self.

Today is just a day

Numb. That is all. I have moments with no clarity, moments where I just feel nothing, dull, lifeless, like the pain that is intruding on my psyche is to much to bear so I just don't feel. A load of unresolved pain and feelings from ghosts of my past haunting me daily. My love turned to me last night and said were practically married, that was in some ways a relief because 70% of me wants to marry him, the other 30% is trying desperately to get out.

We go through these transformations in our lives where we grieve things that we normally would think we wouldn't. Pre-wedding, becoming a parent, moving, all natural to the normal processed person. To me, it is incredibly difficult. Since I spent my life engaged in drugs, relationships, and soothers I never went through the transitions like a normal person would, it is like I am reliving my past again. My boyfriend has an 8 year old daughter whom I tried not to get attached to but eventually did and now I adore her. Through her trials and tribulations I suffer with her waging war on my subconscious mind. I am not her mother in the flesh and blood sense, but I want nothing more than to protect her and my inner kid from all that could harm her. She forces me to relive painful childhood occurrences that otherwise I would not have endured. I never had kids and I now am beginning to believe that is why, the pain is too intense and I did not want to have to feel any of it, but now here I am doing it anyway.

What do you do when there is too much pain. I expressed to my mother today that I was angry with her for not doing more. She admitted she didn't protect me and she felt bad about it, which she has done in the past. My sister and I have never had a sister relationship, its always been me feeling awkward because I am a hyper sensitive person and her being a logical mannish type woman. Basically a suck it up and get over it kind of person. I have never been able to express this to her but as the years progressed I think she is acknowledging that and being more cautious with my feelings. I am perplexed because she met a man about a year ago that she says she really loves and he is kind to her, but she has a pattern that I don't know if she is aware of, she picks the same ones (just like me) but hers are emotionally unavailable, and the relationships consist of a lot of drinking. Now, she is marrying this man, and not surprisingly he annoys me the same way she does so they must be right for one another, regardless I love my sister and all I just want her to be happy. But my father and mother will be there at the ceremony as well as my boyfriend's daughter who I really don't want to expose to my father. Not that he's a bad man, he is an abandoner, enough said. Who am I to step in and tell my sister I think she is repeating a pattern? I am not, I don't know her well enough emotionally because she has never opened up to any of us, therefore I could be totally wrong, I really don't know anymore.

I sobbed last night heavily for the pain of my childhood, the heart wrenching sadness that I kept hidden for so many years. The endless days of torment and just trying to find a place to keep me safe or someone to love me swept in and took me away for a while, I feel like I am still trying to find my way back to stable ground from that today. How much is too much when our brain unleashes the power of grief, how much can one person handle and how do you take it in small doses. My fear of rejection, being left, and finding out my worst fears that I am unlovable and not worthy take of hold of me all the time and leave a mark on my emotional state. It seems I spend more time in tears as of late than anything else, but this is important, its a journey I have to take, one of pain and of life, its just hard to see the end with the vastness of it all before me. Like part of who I am is dying off and being reborn.

Today: Love is pain.

I had to go to my X husbands work today, for the 3rd time in the last 2 weeks. You think you are divorced then BAM something from 2009 comes up and you have to wheel and deal to get a signature from an overgrown baby. I really did everything for that man, and by doing that I was the enabler, desperate to keep a relationship with my father through this x of mine. It is funny, we do marry our parents, even though we swear up and down we wont, it always ends up that way. I realized today I am really mad at not only my father, but my mother. I was at a clients house and I broke down sobbing in the bathroom about what a lonely and desperate exsistence I lived as a child with no one protecting me. I sobbed for the heartbreak of a mother and a father I never really had. My mom now acknowledges her mistakes and I only until now feel I can be angry at her and still embrace her as a person. I know why she did what she did and I understand it, but we have to be angry and we have to feel or we will never be free of the pain.

I never expressed myself as a child. I never said HEY THIS IS WRONG! I don't like this! How can you leave me and treat me this way, Im just a little kid? But I never did, I think now mainly because I was afraid of the rejection I was already receiving, that even more would come and either dad would not come back at all (which did happen) or mom my only soul provider and outlet would go too, I was forced to repress all the feelings that tormented me daily. (wow that brought up tears). There is a lingering pain when I think of how awful children can be. The mercelis teasing, my agonizing walk to the bus stop and even worse the hour long bus ride filled with mean spirited kids who really did know better, they just didn't care as long as I was the middle of the teasing, that meant they were in the clear. Days spent indoors instead of on the playground due to bullying and the heart wrenching knowledge that I had to repress it all, I had to hold it all in and not show how I felt, because I was not valuable enough as a person to have anyone listen. My journal was filled with painful ideas of what I thought love was based on my parents directions, abandonment and silence, really just pain. Love is pain isn't it? In one way or another. I found myself spending more and more time indoors in the solitude of my room, or looking for someone, ANYONE that would give me any attention I could find, bad or good I didn't care so I sought the refuge of men. My soul is a deep well of hurt and anguish, but it is also a well of goodness and love. More of my childhood was used up in bad relationships and just doing things to numb my pain. I smoked my first ciggarett when I was 13, I was raped when I was 14, and from there it was a downward spiral of self induced abuse and loathing. I used drugs to numb the pain and when I was down, I used relationships to numb the anxiety, anything to keep me from feeling. It was a day in and day out of repression and total disregard for my own well being wrapped in a hazy fog of clarity, that I was not good enough. I was the only person I knew how to be, as well guarded fortress of solitude that no person would ever have access too, and that is what I built.

I have internalized my pain, numbed, and when the relationship I was in started to wear off from the high, I would leave. A path of destruction and bridges burned behind me, I did not care who came into my wake. Yes I said I love you, yes I used those words because I believed when I said it, but the reality of ME is that love is about leaving. Which is kind of why I am here today, I am trying to break down this castle and spread my wings to become the beautiful creature I am. My wings are damaged yes, but they are not broken by any means. The anxiety flares, the depression comes, and I acknowledge that I am grieving....and that it is finally ok to break down.

     I spent my days over the last 3 years even after meeting Adam on a roller coaster of feelings. Some days are good, some are bad. I write down things that he says to me that are sweet or that stick out to feed the good feeling part of my love for him. But the doubt always creeps in, is this really what love is? Is this really what I want? Am I making the right choice because anxiety has a way of making you think what you are doing is not right, or that you feel nothing (thanks depression). Anxiety likes to spread lies and fear and keep us in a state of constant worry so that we don't get hurt or we don't go outside even. Those of us and in some cases not, who suffered abuse at the hands of someone we love know all too well the sensation of wanting to be sure, but I can tell you that nothing is. We will never have a total knowledge that our decisions are right or true, we just have to have faith that what we are doing is right for us. My wonderful fionce is kind, smart, gentle, he loves ALL of me, even the dark anxiety parts that I only show a few specific people. My X called me crazy one day while I was having a panic attack, I will never forget that. In a sense yes I was, I still am, but it is the flood of unattended emotions that are spewing from our sub-conscious screaming NOTICE ME! We have work to do!

I remember and still have my journals, countless days of spewing the same thought patterns, trying to decipher who I was and who I was becoming. This person completely lost in her own self, drowning in grief, agony, anxiety, and depression. It was like (and still is some days) like I am being bombarded with this invisible beast and the weight is so heavy on my heart and brain, like a wet, wool blanket keeping out the good in my life. We are creatures of habit, we find ourselves especially the abused ones, using things to make us feel better, using them as a distraction from the pain we cannot seem to cope with some days. I went from drugs, to relationships, to food, then to facebook and food, this endless hamster wheel of life I have been on. But I have made it this far right? I am a survivor of a horrible emotional storm that took part of my childhood, and part of my life. But do we have to become that emotion, that sadness, that world we created to protect ourselves? No we do not, but it sure is easy to stay a victim is it not? I realized this morning for one moment the glimmer that I dont have to leave my relationship with him, I can stay here and live and maybe at some point be really happy in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I do have days where I am happy, and I do love this man to the best of my ability, but I have acknolwedged that I am emotionally unavailable. I did warn him when I met him but he felt as did I that we have known and loved one another many lifetimes prior to this, so we stuck it out to see where it went, and 2 years later we are still together and buying a house.

I have removed certain people from my life simply because I am about self preservation now. I am trying to focus on gratitude and love even through the pain of grief and loss. Who am I now? What is this life I have found myself in? If my father didn't want me then who will? I am not good enough and do not deserve someone who loves me? All these things I have become over the years, and have followed and haunted me still to this day. If someone is not reliable or constant I do not allow them near my internal self at all. Part of my journey has been from mothering my inner child and that will be for tomorrow.

The beginning

       So here goes. I am an x addict, a love addict, an abandoner, and emotionally unavailable and this is my journey to emotional release.

One more moment of my life, a transition if you will from who I used to be, to who I am confusedly becoming. Let's skip back 3 years torn in a emotionally devastating divorce, feeling flooding from a broken heart shattering a reality that I once knew as my own. From a tormented childhood full of pain, self-loathing induced by a father who was never there to concealing my pain with soothers for 25 years. I found myself lost, much like a thought on the wind, I had no safe place to land. On the verge of being aragorphobic, anxiety had struck home, and depression held its hand. The last 3 years have been an uphill battle struggling to perform what people are telling me is "normal" life. The anxiety waxes and wanes like the moon and I have good and bad days/weeks/months. I found myself at rock bottom, the abandonment pain flooding in like an unwelcome guest, and I was forced to face this invisible beast now alone as my X husband abandoned me as well, thus spurring this whirlwind of incompleteness. Envision if you will a child on the beach, a woman holding one hand, but on the other is emptiness, no other loving person holding the little hand. This is my imbalance, this is my journey, and my journal of transcendence.

When you are thrown from a world of soothers and feeling no pain, running from relationships when the anxiety gets to be too much, and just starting anew, "normal" is not a familiar friend. When you never experienced certain "normal" things as a child, trying to function as an adult in "normal" is well confusing to say the least. Your gut tells you one thing, intuition another (yes they are different), and normal is sometimes well quite boring from an addicts standpoint, it is quite hard for your skin not to crawl. I have moments where I can't even fathom leaving my house but I go anyway. The anxiety literally makes me want to run down the street screaming, and since we all know it is invisible we suffer in silence, or are called crazy, so we then convince ourselves we have a disease. Anxiety loves to make us hate ourselves, fills us with doubt, longing. and pain, but when really anxiety is your brains way of telling you something needs to be addressed. Now mind you I have spent countless hours, googling, reasearching, I have read countless books on this nasty foe, for my own ammunition and have found some solace in knowing that it really cant hurt me, it just makes me really uncomfortable and we all know how fun that is huh?!

I am one of the lucky ones, I have found a way to wrap my mind around what IT is, it is the coping I am still working on. The countless calls to my friends and my mother, not to mention my wonderous soon to be fioncee (that's a whole nother anxiety) have given me the strength to get up each day and keep going even at my worst. I am grateful for all of my support and love that is thrown at me constantly, as they understand my past, they know the struggles I have endured from my father being absent. Divorce is incredibly painful, much like a death but the person is not dead, and how do we cope, that is for another day.