Today: Love is pain.

I had to go to my X husbands work today, for the 3rd time in the last 2 weeks. You think you are divorced then BAM something from 2009 comes up and you have to wheel and deal to get a signature from an overgrown baby. I really did everything for that man, and by doing that I was the enabler, desperate to keep a relationship with my father through this x of mine. It is funny, we do marry our parents, even though we swear up and down we wont, it always ends up that way. I realized today I am really mad at not only my father, but my mother. I was at a clients house and I broke down sobbing in the bathroom about what a lonely and desperate exsistence I lived as a child with no one protecting me. I sobbed for the heartbreak of a mother and a father I never really had. My mom now acknowledges her mistakes and I only until now feel I can be angry at her and still embrace her as a person. I know why she did what she did and I understand it, but we have to be angry and we have to feel or we will never be free of the pain.

I never expressed myself as a child. I never said HEY THIS IS WRONG! I don't like this! How can you leave me and treat me this way, Im just a little kid? But I never did, I think now mainly because I was afraid of the rejection I was already receiving, that even more would come and either dad would not come back at all (which did happen) or mom my only soul provider and outlet would go too, I was forced to repress all the feelings that tormented me daily. (wow that brought up tears). There is a lingering pain when I think of how awful children can be. The mercelis teasing, my agonizing walk to the bus stop and even worse the hour long bus ride filled with mean spirited kids who really did know better, they just didn't care as long as I was the middle of the teasing, that meant they were in the clear. Days spent indoors instead of on the playground due to bullying and the heart wrenching knowledge that I had to repress it all, I had to hold it all in and not show how I felt, because I was not valuable enough as a person to have anyone listen. My journal was filled with painful ideas of what I thought love was based on my parents directions, abandonment and silence, really just pain. Love is pain isn't it? In one way or another. I found myself spending more and more time indoors in the solitude of my room, or looking for someone, ANYONE that would give me any attention I could find, bad or good I didn't care so I sought the refuge of men. My soul is a deep well of hurt and anguish, but it is also a well of goodness and love. More of my childhood was used up in bad relationships and just doing things to numb my pain. I smoked my first ciggarett when I was 13, I was raped when I was 14, and from there it was a downward spiral of self induced abuse and loathing. I used drugs to numb the pain and when I was down, I used relationships to numb the anxiety, anything to keep me from feeling. It was a day in and day out of repression and total disregard for my own well being wrapped in a hazy fog of clarity, that I was not good enough. I was the only person I knew how to be, as well guarded fortress of solitude that no person would ever have access too, and that is what I built.

I have internalized my pain, numbed, and when the relationship I was in started to wear off from the high, I would leave. A path of destruction and bridges burned behind me, I did not care who came into my wake. Yes I said I love you, yes I used those words because I believed when I said it, but the reality of ME is that love is about leaving. Which is kind of why I am here today, I am trying to break down this castle and spread my wings to become the beautiful creature I am. My wings are damaged yes, but they are not broken by any means. The anxiety flares, the depression comes, and I acknowledge that I am grieving....and that it is finally ok to break down.