The beginning

       So here goes. I am an x addict, a love addict, an abandoner, and emotionally unavailable and this is my journey to emotional release.

One more moment of my life, a transition if you will from who I used to be, to who I am confusedly becoming. Let's skip back 3 years torn in a emotionally devastating divorce, feeling flooding from a broken heart shattering a reality that I once knew as my own. From a tormented childhood full of pain, self-loathing induced by a father who was never there to concealing my pain with soothers for 25 years. I found myself lost, much like a thought on the wind, I had no safe place to land. On the verge of being aragorphobic, anxiety had struck home, and depression held its hand. The last 3 years have been an uphill battle struggling to perform what people are telling me is "normal" life. The anxiety waxes and wanes like the moon and I have good and bad days/weeks/months. I found myself at rock bottom, the abandonment pain flooding in like an unwelcome guest, and I was forced to face this invisible beast now alone as my X husband abandoned me as well, thus spurring this whirlwind of incompleteness. Envision if you will a child on the beach, a woman holding one hand, but on the other is emptiness, no other loving person holding the little hand. This is my imbalance, this is my journey, and my journal of transcendence.

When you are thrown from a world of soothers and feeling no pain, running from relationships when the anxiety gets to be too much, and just starting anew, "normal" is not a familiar friend. When you never experienced certain "normal" things as a child, trying to function as an adult in "normal" is well confusing to say the least. Your gut tells you one thing, intuition another (yes they are different), and normal is sometimes well quite boring from an addicts standpoint, it is quite hard for your skin not to crawl. I have moments where I can't even fathom leaving my house but I go anyway. The anxiety literally makes me want to run down the street screaming, and since we all know it is invisible we suffer in silence, or are called crazy, so we then convince ourselves we have a disease. Anxiety loves to make us hate ourselves, fills us with doubt, longing. and pain, but when really anxiety is your brains way of telling you something needs to be addressed. Now mind you I have spent countless hours, googling, reasearching, I have read countless books on this nasty foe, for my own ammunition and have found some solace in knowing that it really cant hurt me, it just makes me really uncomfortable and we all know how fun that is huh?!

I am one of the lucky ones, I have found a way to wrap my mind around what IT is, it is the coping I am still working on. The countless calls to my friends and my mother, not to mention my wonderous soon to be fioncee (that's a whole nother anxiety) have given me the strength to get up each day and keep going even at my worst. I am grateful for all of my support and love that is thrown at me constantly, as they understand my past, they know the struggles I have endured from my father being absent. Divorce is incredibly painful, much like a death but the person is not dead, and how do we cope, that is for another day.