Like lightning

It hits out of no where. The HEEBIE GEEBIES (as I fondly call them) come to call at random times of day. When I am driving, or the gym, or my favorite, in the grocery store ewe. The chill that runs up your spine and your brain and body scream RUN, RUN, RUN!!! Although there are no tigers in the produce isle at the store, our subcnsious thinks there are. This used to happen a lot more to me a few years ago, the anxiety would creep in regularly, keeping even the smallest task of walking to the store or driving a few blocks a huge endeavor. It really started when I was a truck driver and my X hit another rig causing me to break my leg. Since then I haven't been the same. Parts of me are returning slowly, but I have moments of really high stress and it all returns, then come the baby steps.

My wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. He is literally everything I could ever want in a partner and mate. But the fear from the divorce and the abandonment well up and I find myself panicking once again and wanting to run out the front door. How could this wonderous creature want me long term and when is he going to go? I have a life with him, a house, his daughter loves me, it would seem quite wonderful, but alas I have fears. They creep in and sit in my subconscious waering away at me. "He will leave, how can anyone love you, how do you know if you want this long term, how do you know this guy is right for you?" well you better go and fast before you don't get any answers, where life is nice and predictable and you don't have to be vulnerable!! GOGOGO! I get so fed up sometimes, he doesn't  give me the high that I want, he doesn't leave me feeling unfulfilled or unloved, or waiting for his call. He is predicatable, kind, passionate, loving....terrible I know huh?

Well for someone who has suffered at the hands of basically everyone she was close with leaving her, safefy is not a safe place. Its a scary, unknown, uncharted place that she has never gone into. Some days I feel nothing, there is no spark, no desire, the sure will of well this is over, lets go find something more exciting to do eh? But I have to tell myself no, I refuse to go. I have to go through this uncharted place if I am ever to experience pure love and devotion to not only myself but to another human soul. By tromping through this SAFE place with him, I am forced to pull up all the things I hate and have decided I am as a child and try to unravel them one idea at a time. I am forced to have to look at the pain for what it is and embrace it and love it and know that I am not the 13yr old kid anymore who was beaten and abused, the one who self abused for years avoiding the pain and anguish I had so held dear to me. By letting go of who I was or what I used to believe in, part of me feels like I am letting go of myself, thus the grieving. I go in stages, sometimes it comes in the form of anxiety, sometimes just sadness and I force myself to tap into that and feel it. But after almost 3 years I wonder sometimes if it is ever going to stop so I can be at peace. I will keep trying and I will keep trying to hold faith that this is where I need to be in my life so I can heal in the arms of this loving man and my own loving self.