I spent my days over the last 3 years even after meeting Adam on a roller coaster of feelings. Some days are good, some are bad. I write down things that he says to me that are sweet or that stick out to feed the good feeling part of my love for him. But the doubt always creeps in, is this really what love is? Is this really what I want? Am I making the right choice because anxiety has a way of making you think what you are doing is not right, or that you feel nothing (thanks depression). Anxiety likes to spread lies and fear and keep us in a state of constant worry so that we don't get hurt or we don't go outside even. Those of us and in some cases not, who suffered abuse at the hands of someone we love know all too well the sensation of wanting to be sure, but I can tell you that nothing is. We will never have a total knowledge that our decisions are right or true, we just have to have faith that what we are doing is right for us. My wonderful fionce is kind, smart, gentle, he loves ALL of me, even the dark anxiety parts that I only show a few specific people. My X called me crazy one day while I was having a panic attack, I will never forget that. In a sense yes I was, I still am, but it is the flood of unattended emotions that are spewing from our sub-conscious screaming NOTICE ME! We have work to do!

I remember and still have my journals, countless days of spewing the same thought patterns, trying to decipher who I was and who I was becoming. This person completely lost in her own self, drowning in grief, agony, anxiety, and depression. It was like (and still is some days) like I am being bombarded with this invisible beast and the weight is so heavy on my heart and brain, like a wet, wool blanket keeping out the good in my life. We are creatures of habit, we find ourselves especially the abused ones, using things to make us feel better, using them as a distraction from the pain we cannot seem to cope with some days. I went from drugs, to relationships, to food, then to facebook and food, this endless hamster wheel of life I have been on. But I have made it this far right? I am a survivor of a horrible emotional storm that took part of my childhood, and part of my life. But do we have to become that emotion, that sadness, that world we created to protect ourselves? No we do not, but it sure is easy to stay a victim is it not? I realized this morning for one moment the glimmer that I dont have to leave my relationship with him, I can stay here and live and maybe at some point be really happy in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I do have days where I am happy, and I do love this man to the best of my ability, but I have acknolwedged that I am emotionally unavailable. I did warn him when I met him but he felt as did I that we have known and loved one another many lifetimes prior to this, so we stuck it out to see where it went, and 2 years later we are still together and buying a house.

I have removed certain people from my life simply because I am about self preservation now. I am trying to focus on gratitude and love even through the pain of grief and loss. Who am I now? What is this life I have found myself in? If my father didn't want me then who will? I am not good enough and do not deserve someone who loves me? All these things I have become over the years, and have followed and haunted me still to this day. If someone is not reliable or constant I do not allow them near my internal self at all. Part of my journey has been from mothering my inner child and that will be for tomorrow.