Numb. That is all. I have moments with no clarity, moments where I just feel nothing, dull, lifeless, like the pain that is intruding on my psyche is to much to bear so I just don't feel. A load of unresolved pain and feelings from ghosts of my past haunting me daily. My love turned to me last night and said were practically married, that was in some ways a relief because 70% of me wants to marry him, the other 30% is trying desperately to get out.
We go through these transformations in our lives where we grieve things that we normally would think we wouldn't. Pre-wedding, becoming a parent, moving, all natural to the normal processed person. To me, it is incredibly difficult. Since I spent my life engaged in drugs, relationships, and soothers I never went through the transitions like a normal person would, it is like I am reliving my past again. My boyfriend has an 8 year old daughter whom I tried not to get attached to but eventually did and now I adore her. Through her trials and tribulations I suffer with her waging war on my subconscious mind. I am not her mother in the flesh and blood sense, but I want nothing more than to protect her and my inner kid from all that could harm her. She forces me to relive painful childhood occurrences that otherwise I would not have endured. I never had kids and I now am beginning to believe that is why, the pain is too intense and I did not want to have to feel any of it, but now here I am doing it anyway.
What do you do when there is too much pain. I expressed to my mother today that I was angry with her for not doing more. She admitted she didn't protect me and she felt bad about it, which she has done in the past. My sister and I have never had a sister relationship, its always been me feeling awkward because I am a hyper sensitive person and her being a logical mannish type woman. Basically a suck it up and get over it kind of person. I have never been able to express this to her but as the years progressed I think she is acknowledging that and being more cautious with my feelings. I am perplexed because she met a man about a year ago that she says she really loves and he is kind to her, but she has a pattern that I don't know if she is aware of, she picks the same ones (just like me) but hers are emotionally unavailable, and the relationships consist of a lot of drinking. Now, she is marrying this man, and not surprisingly he annoys me the same way she does so they must be right for one another, regardless I love my sister and all I just want her to be happy. But my father and mother will be there at the ceremony as well as my boyfriend's daughter who I really don't want to expose to my father. Not that he's a bad man, he is an abandoner, enough said. Who am I to step in and tell my sister I think she is repeating a pattern? I am not, I don't know her well enough emotionally because she has never opened up to any of us, therefore I could be totally wrong, I really don't know anymore.
I sobbed last night heavily for the pain of my childhood, the heart wrenching sadness that I kept hidden for so many years. The endless days of torment and just trying to find a place to keep me safe or someone to love me swept in and took me away for a while, I feel like I am still trying to find my way back to stable ground from that today. How much is too much when our brain unleashes the power of grief, how much can one person handle and how do you take it in small doses. My fear of rejection, being left, and finding out my worst fears that I am unlovable and not worthy take of hold of me all the time and leave a mark on my emotional state. It seems I spend more time in tears as of late than anything else, but this is important, its a journey I have to take, one of pain and of life, its just hard to see the end with the vastness of it all before me. Like part of who I am is dying off and being reborn.
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