I went out to look for my camping gear and my orange tabby that so loves to try to run into our fascinating garage did indeed slip by my eyes and my hands once I saw him. He ran to the end of the room and I hoped frantically that he would not run out into the light. I hit the garage door button and the giant machine began grinding. His ears laid back and his eyes bulged and he looked at me desperately as the jaws of this beast were coming right down on him, I opened the door and he ran in, fur flying.
My 4th of July morning though I have the house to myself. It is quiet, peaceful and literally (even though I live in a cul-de-sac) all you can hear is the wind and my chimes. I sometimes wish when the storm that was brewing inside me was calm like that, but I have vowed to change my life and my way of thought. I have read a most wonderful book about attaching to our thoughts and questioning everything we think, if it is true or not, and really it makes sense. We carry stresses and guilt when we place judgment on others looking for our own self fulfillment, its silly really. As adults we cannot expect anyone or thing to bring us joy, it is our job to do that. My inner kids seemed to have quieted down since the wedding past. My father was there, the first time in over a year since I last saw him, same as the year before. I remember going 10 years without seeing him, and now I just see him as a stranger. I don't know this man, nor have I ever. He has always been secretive and I used to think he was part of the FBI or CIA or something like that when I was a kid, he was elusive and lived away from people. But now I just see a man who lost a family and is getting older, I am sure the guilt eats at him, but he still makes no attempt to be a part of our lives regularly, I guess it is his loss now isn't it. My boyfriends daughter met him, and he watched her play cards at an overly lavish table that we devoured ribs at so at least once she will see the person I want her to see with him, instead of who I know he is. Don't get me wrong, I love my father, but I do not love who he is or how he treats our family, I find myself becoming more protective of myself and commiting myself to this little girl because I don't want her to feel how I felt about a parent.
My anxiety waxes and wanes. I know due to the holiday and long weekend, things will be mellow and relaxing the buildup is coming and soon there will be the exhale but I also know I have a pattern and a certain distaste for Mondays (as we all do). The calm comes in and that deep, nagging feeling starts eating away at my core somedays, while others its like a child pulling on my shirt HEY!, HEY! pay attention to me! Because really all anxiety is, is a call to ourselves to pay attention, something needs to be worked on or brought to light so we can deal with it. Anxiety is our friend really even though it feels like you want to crawl in a hole and never come out, it lies to us, it bears its teeth and tells us to not go outside, or to not love someone, but the reality is, it is just endorphins because we are afraid or hurt. Being open to the fear, the pain, the anguish is really the key to understanding ourselves because even science hasn't figured out our minds.
No comments:
Post a Comment