Body high

I found myself on my therapists couch at 845 this morning fearful but yet hopeful. I laid on the couch and visualized an ocean and this lyricist began to speak. The hour session went by quickly and at a few points I did find myself with numb hands and arms, drifting in and out of reality. After all was said and done I experienced this incredible body high that left me smiling and giggling. I felt drugged almost, it was peculiar but quite comfortable. UNTIL dun dun dun, I began to realize that part of my safety net (anxiety) that I had lived in for years and years was beginning to unravel. The discomfort of knowing that this thing you have been identifying yourself as and with was possibly being taken away, boy do I feel vulnerable wowie. The feeling started to disperse until I went to lunch then anxiety came on with a vengeance boooooo :(. But there are other factors in my life at the moment that could be affecting my mood including that vat of chips I ate hellllo carbo-liciousness.....

Otherwise I find myself not caring, in the aspect that I can see something that needs to be done and I just have no motivation to do it at all. So the socks are on the floor...uh yeah and? Now mind you, this is coming from a total control freak so it is interesting that I am not acknowledging these items. Also I could have cared less if I ate or not.....it almost feels like deeper depression but it is too soon to say at this point, I have to remember that I am rewiring behaviors and beliefs about myself, it is just a very scary process in doing so. Who are we without our pain, anxiety, grief? How do we interact when we have held onto something for so long and let it define us as a person. I no longer say "My anxiety" I say "the anxiety" I just have to hold on and keep pushing forward through this thing called my life.

Interstingly later on in the day, I calmed a bit. I read my favorite chapter out of my favorite anxiety book called "At Last A Life" by Paul David (if you suffer from anxiety, it is a must read). But he states that the more we fight with our fear, the more it frays on our already frayed nerves. Basically when we develop anxiety we are already tired, so the more we fight with ourselves, the more tired we become, and remembering that, helped immensely. I still feel the depression, the uncertainty with my relationship, but my screaming inner kids have seemed to calm a bit. Hopefully this is going to continue and I can accept the quiet in my head :)