So this is normal?

I cringe at it. Some would embrace it, normal......what is normal anyway. Normal for me was being overstimulated emotionally either from love hormones or drugs, or even better both. Just high, high and unaware of my own emotional being inside of me screaming for help but I ignored her. I spent my childhood avoiding reality by making up fantasies about being rescued (quite common for abandonment sufferers) and as an adult living those fantasies through the misuse of my mind, body, and spirit. I think its hard when you have spent your time chasing unavailable men or women and you get your high, then it wears off, then you move on to the next.

I am now in my first adult, sober, stable, loving relationship and I am so bored some days OMG. Get up, go to work, go to school, blah blah. I have a tendancy to project my feelings and blame him when my happiness or enthusiasm is not his responsibility. When you have spent your life as an addict, it is hard to swallow the idea that normal is what you will have for the rest of your life. Love is an action, you choose to love someone, embrace them through hair loss, weight gain or loss, financial issues and choose to over look the negative aspect of relationships. And here I am trying to do that but still have a wall up that I cant seem to put down. Because I don't get high off this man, my teenage emotional self thinks that I don't love him, but my adult self knows I do, I am in a constant war with myself and it gets very tiring.

I accept this man, want to marry him, and grow old with him, but I first need to work on me and my emotional needs and self. He knows all this about me, he is after all my best friend. He has held my hand through my breakdowns and my times when I just needed a hit of the love drugs and I have withdrawn many, many times. Its a hard new life to live, but it is worth it to me to have him by my side. Just one more thing to withdraw from, life is fun lol.