Past Reminders

We only have this moment. These few precious seconds that we take for granted daily. At least I do, I think. I try not to and be consiensious of it but to no prevail I live in the future, and the past thus expereienceing anxiety and depression. I went to the gravesite of a friend of mine who passed away 10 years ago. I never went to his burial because well I was fully self induced at the time and yes I cried when I heard but I just never made the time. With the reflections in my life I am experiencing and realizing that we DO need other people when we struggle, I can now acknowledge that I am just a mortal..shocking isn't it. I never was able to bond as a child with anyone really. I never had anyone to rely or count on growing up and I spent so many days and nights unbearably alone and lonely. I still feel it from time to time in the back of my heart when I think about my days as a teenager wanting someone, anyone to say hey, how are you today, do you need to talk? Hey you know what, you are awesome, and I love you. But those days didn't come, at least I cant remember any picture perfect heart warming times, but maybe I blocked those parts out because the pain comes on too strong somdays and I just want it to shut off.

I had lunch with my oldest and dearest girlfriend and she reminded me as she always does that I have to be gentler on myself. From driving to seattle with a fear of driving to doing my job every day to the best of my ability, to be kinder and more loving to me. I forget you know, the darkness and fear have ways of seeping in and taking over the happy places, completely stripping you of your humanity at times and it can be quite frustrating. I grive for my past, I grieve for my anger, I greive for the loss of what may have, could have, and perhaps should have been. The birthdays I never had, holidays never shared, family dinners, and simply just a bonding experience of love and neutrality  that brings on the feelings of being content in life. Learning how to deal with stress and anxiety without turning to relationships or drugs to help you through and knowing you can handle anything that comes at you.

See I have this now in my life. I have my support group, I have people who would do anything for me and love me unconditionally and it is truly a blessing, but until I learn to love myself it is hard for me to fully embrace it. The pain is intense and deep and it flares up at random times. Am I punishing myself, am I getting out unresolved pain now that I am sober,  am I just trying to find my contentment, I really don't know at this point. I know I try to do the best I can, and put people ahead of me now instead of behind like I used to do. The pain is ok, because I need to feel it, it is there for a reason. I don't want to cover it anymore and bury it because every day I get closer to being ok with just being.