It comes on like a wool blanket over my brain and I cannot seem to see the sun in these moments. Times when I think why am I doing this, why do I carry on and want to crawl out of my skin. I attended an Love addicts AA meeting and it was quite insiteful, I am happy I went. But it also made me recognize how brutal this thing is to have to go through. Withdrawl claws at your soul and your being and takes and takes from you. I had a good weekend, Saturday was relaxed and I told myself I would be more patient with my recovery and give myself more time. I have a tendancy to try to go from point A to point B but really I need to embrace the GROWTH journey I am on and revel in each moment because one day this part will be over and I think I will look back on it with love and wonder.
The anxiety takes hold, the sadness and I don't want to face reality. The pain becomes almost unbearable at times but I know I have things to hold onto and reasons to keep going. The love addiction takes hold and makes me want to run as fast as I can from everything and everyone that I know. The grief is deep and I have faith that this will pass but I have to be patient and embrace it instead of fighting it. I started taking a natural anti depressant supplement yesterday so we will see how that goes. Anxiety is hard, and it doesn't help that depression and addiction are stacked on top of one another, but for all the years I repressed these feelings, it isn't going to happen over night. I am hopeful that it will pass and I will keep moving forward marking everyday that I make progress and stay "sober" from my addictions. I have removed certain things that can possibly affect relapsing and that doesn't help either but they are good, healthy things to NOT do any longer so I pat myself on the back for that.
Life goes on, we do the best we can, and we continue on regardless. I will keep pushing forward and wait to make any major decisions until this receeds.
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