Pumpkin mania

I went out to my once lush garden to find a pumpkin patch. I have never grown pumpkins but I found myself in awe of how fast they grow. My spinach had taken a dump but the strawberries and lemon balm were flourishing nicely. I also found a tomato on my plant which I was particularly proud of because I grew that from a seed. It is the same as my life. The pumpkin patch represents something I didn't think I wanted. It slowly took over my personal area and at first I was appauled by it wanting to pull it out for the other small things to have room to grow and breathe but as the season approaches, I am beginning to understand that I need to embrace this giant beast of a plant and put all the love and nurturing into it I can.

I made a decision this weekend to propose to my boyfriend. How on earth did I do a 180 like that? Well I discovered I had a back up guy, mr. WHAT IF. What if we broke up, I would have someone to fall back on right? Total love addict thing to do. I release this guy, I told him no more conversations that involved flirting in any way, shape, or form. I had never really developed feelings for him, nor even met this man, but as I always did, I had him on the back burner just in case. The moment I delivered this information to him I felt a weight had been lifted off me, and I was free from my own chains. The part that I had been withholding I was able to give fully now to my guy and I cannot say a more clearer time in my life that I was so sure of anything. Even though I had no feelings for this online person in the relationship sense, I had somewhere in my psyche created a world where he may someday come to pass. And as sad as that is, I am proud of myself for seeing it and letting him go. I put pressure on myself that way, never fully commiting to anyone ever, including my X husband now that I think of it. I was always on foot out the door simply because I was afraid of being hurt. Being able to say, "Hey you wana leave? That's ok, cause I never loved you anyway" nice excuse to hide behind. And this all stems from not being loved as a kid and having stipulations put on you as to what love is and how you will receive it. I was just not it seems at times, loved at all. And when all the relationships around you are falling apart and you never witness a really true love between two people, you have nothing to base your feelings on. Hence always needing another person in wait, be it known or not, he was just that.

Why is this time different you may ask? Because I no longer have a reason to go, I no longer have a secondary that is there to distract me from my fears. I am standing alone in my corner of our relationship pyramid and it feels wonderful. The anxiety left me after I gave that ring to my guy, and I gave one to his daughter as well. I felt that she needed to see the commitment I am making to our family. The ring I wear not only symbolizes my commitment to him but to myself. To continuing to persue my happiness and my healing that is needed to become even more of a whole person. I have made a huge leap in my recovery and I am so proud of myself :)