Sunday, August 25, 2013

Meeting me

I went to my 3rd meeting today. I discussed Mr. Unavailable from Friday night. I cried and so did another new comer. The longing feeling, the dead, numb, wtf am I doing feeling is strong today. I look at the pictures I created with my fioncee and his daughter and I think do I really want this? Just one phone call could take this pain away and I could go back into the life I had, being high. Being closed emotionally, anything but feeling this stuff. But I know I cannot. In reality, I love this life. I love my fioncee and my friends. It is in essence what I have always wanted and longed for, acceptance but still a part of me feels not good enough.

Children of abandonment suffer deep rejection and pain full idea about self. We are never good enough no matter what we do. We suffer as adults until we decide we don't want to anymore. So how do you find resolve without the other persons approval. When does it become ok to let go of a parent that does not serve you in a healthy way. How do you become ok with yourself in every aspect of your inner being knowing you are good enough? I struggle with these questions. How one person could devastate another being so easily and not care or try to care? I would never do that to a child.

So at least now I can look at my life and see a few things I need to work on instead of this huge luggage piece that is over loaded with issues to work through. I have conquered some items and am still working on others but at least my path is becoming more clear. Feeling vulnerable is ok with the right people. Exposing myself emotionally I can be loved and cared for in a healthy way without fear of being hurt. I can love and rely on others and know they will be there when I need them. It is removing the others that is the hard part. Learning to distinguish what is healthy and what is not and not allowing destructive people to rule my heart any longer.

No comments:

Post a Comment