Another reminder

Things have been calm this last week, which naturally frightens me. I am slowly learning to be ok with just being ok and not expecting the worst. And if the worst happens, practicing skills to deal with it in a calm manner. Last night however I found the one guy that caused more longing in me than I had experienced in years logged into the game I was playing. It was hard I have to admit, I wanted to chew him out and tell him he wasn't welcome in my territory any longer. This particular person reminded me so much of my father in his actions when I was growing up so naturally I was drawn to him. Even knowing he was emotionally unvavailable I still persued him in hopes that I would be good enough for him to take interest and maybe love me at some point. I struggled with that part with my father, not feeling good enough after his abandonment and still to this day sometimes.

I cried when I went to bed not wanting the rush of seeing his name in my presence and I also felt angry that I even gave him any emotion at all. But I realized after a few minutes that it is just another thing I need to heal with in myself. The longing feeling of wanting to be saved overwhelming me and making me feel weak and unworthy. That part that still longs for escape to anywhere but where I am, constantly engulfed by the need to run. At least I was. I realized with my fioncee' sitting next to me that I have more love from him, my friends, and family, his daughter, and for myself that it can drown that longing feeling. It empowered me to realize this love I have from and for these people can burn down any pain I may encounter and it may not be over night but the love slowly fills up the empty part that is hurting and I see now that even though I may be afraid sometimes, it is ok and I will be alright.

We stay in states for so long we forget what it is like to just live in a neutral place with minimal hurt. We adopt that part of us as who we are and it becomes our personality. But we do not have to stay in that state, we do not have to allow the feelings to take over us and run us into the ground. I will continue on my journey, but as I go, I become more in tune and aware of the things I wish to fine tune about myself and hope that the calm and spirituality come to me that I seek. With the love and support of my family, I think I can do almost anything.