Melancholy Seasons

I love the rain. I really do, the dark swell of fall upon us. Leaves changing, pitter patter on the roof and the chance for me to hide again. I always embraced this time as a sleepy, cozy, protective blanket around my life that said, "ok you don't have to participate for a while." I embraced the dark of the days that gave me some relief from performing in the scorching blaze of summertime. Yet, as I grow older, I can feel it to the depths of my soul, the grief that comes with that change now.

As a love addict and general avoider of feelings and discomfort, I am now finally starting to identify that feelings are just well feelings. They are not an emergency even though at times it feels that way. I had a huge panic attack at one of my clients homes yesterday, and thankfully they were not there. I got through it as I always do, but anxiety seems to cling to us after it has stamped itself on to our conscious mind. The depression fuels it and they play ring around the rosy on one's brain.

There is no real explanation for the feelings or triggers. Possibly a sense of me not knowing what I want to do as a career, I feel a bit lost and do need to decide if I am going to continue my education or take another path. Buddhism says we can be content no matter what we do if we embrace the universe and let it flow around us, and if I were to wake up just content and could spend my days that way, instead of the dwelling feeling that would be wonderful. BUT I have to remember that dwelling feeling has been here my whole life. The nagging, pay attention to something feeling that I have always ignored now needs to be tended and cared for. We have to go through the pain and discomfort to change our old ways and patterns that no longer serve us and there will be times that the pain and discomfort are intense and uncomfortable, but I know with baby steps, encouragement and love from my support group that I can get through it.

I have seen huge changes in myself emotionally, choices I have made differently, and even when I feel bad I allow it to be because it is about learning from the pain and growth in ourselves to be healthier people. I faced the guy finally that logged in, I got into a place where I could hear his voice and he could hear mine and my finocee's in our game and in just seconds that beast was slain, he is nothing more to me now than a small glimmer of what may have been, but will never be and I am ok with that. I was proud of myself for just making the plunge and letting happen whatever was going to happen with the love and support of my wonderful fioncee.

I want to hope that what I am doing is creating a new place for myself that has a sense of belonging, calm, and loving structure that no storm can blow down. I want to hope that I can continue to gain ground and find more center in myself so I can help others who are lost to find themselves once again. I will continue to forge ahead and be ok no matter what gets put in front of me. I am hope, I am love, I am light.