Mood booster

Oddly enough last night as my therapist said, I wasn't as down as I normally am. Even this morning, I got out of bed and even though it is Monday and I am never too enthused about them, it wasn't bothering me like it normally does. It was a nice change. I spent the day doing affirmations with my inner monologue in the NOW moment and I found myself having a massive boost of the feeling of love filled with unbridled energy. I had to stop at my friends work and give him a hug and tell him I love him for no apparent reason. I was in luck to find another friend of mine there so I greeted her the same way, they both looked at me suspiciously because normally I am way more withdrawn.

Almost having a manic happy high caught me off guard and I did experience some anxiety from it but as I did long ago, I vowed to never falter to the anxiety beast again. Yes it can make me uncomfortable, not want to continue doing or go do what I am about to partake in, anxiety has taken, coffee, sugar, and alcohol from me (not necessarily a bad thing), but they are from time to time nice things to be able to have in the moment of a early twilight around a campfire or on a brisk morning out on a deck in the sun. But alas it has been years since I have had those pleasures without suffering a anxiety attack afterwards. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, and lack of certain vitamins can really cause a ruckus on your nervous system if you have them and or need them. I didn't have enough D and needed more B complex come to find out. I remember at one time I was scared to eat in general too and most foods I steered from out of fear of the invisible foe of anxiety. I now just push through it, grin at it and say, what do you have for me now.

Anxiety has never really struck me down or physically hurt me, but it has and still does make me REALLY uncomfortable, I mean, really, really, IM in a store, need to run out uncomfortable, can this person take any longer to get through the line at the store uncomfortable. Really my end goal is to change my behavior patterns from running to being comfortable in a safe relationship and staying. Lifting the depression and spatting on the anxiety thus drop kicking it. When I question my feelings for my boyfriend (which is total normal from what I have been told) it causes me to feel guilt about being where I am, but you see as a love addict, this is what I do. I continue in a cycle of staying until the love hormones wear off and the high is gone, then I am gone. I am trying to duke this one out and stay through the pain, because well I have never cared enough about anyone to do so, including my X husband. SOOOO how can I say I don't know how I feel but that I have never cared enough about anyone to stay? Good question, I am still working on that myself. My feelings fluxuate day to day and I have never really been loved or learned to love in return in a healthy way, so that is really what I am doing. But what I do know is I cannot see my life without him or his daughter, I cannot think of him with another woman, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. Is that love? I guess so.

Until then, I still have 5 more sessions with this therapist, I am pretty excited for the next one to see the progress, as its unfolding. Hopefully this good stuff will keep coming at me, and I can let more of the baggage go that I have been holding onto for dear life because really, when we are healthy and have no demons chasing us, and that part of our identity is gone, who are we?

Just a side note this evening. I was just sitting here feeling terribly uncomfortable. Questioning why I stay in a relationship (mind you that is FANTASTIC, and I don't have to try, I could go on and on about how wonderful he is) but because of the pain I experience in staying, it is all worth it to me. But I forget one thing, I am an addict. One quick key stroke in my brain of a certain WAY past x relationship from 15 years ago, set my cravings at bay. Mind you I DO NOT love this person, nor did I ever, it was the HIGHLY addictive quality of what he offered me that kept me coming back and that I still crave, from the drugs, to the love addiction he kept me strung out like a junkie for years, and yet that part of me still misinterprets INTENSITY for INTAMACY...that is a hard thing to decipher and to acknowledge. Perhaps I do need a 12 step program which my so wonderful fella has agreed to go and support me through if I wish. You see I could not ask for a better mate, best friend, traveling companion and lover as what I have with this man, but there is and will always be this part of me that longs for that THING that was instilled in me at a young age, and I have to remember it lies, it is false, and I have to fight it and remind myself why I stay and where I want to be.