How is it time goes by so fast as we age. From my boyfriend's daughters 8 yr old mind, 20 minutes is like hours when she is excited, I suppose the same would apply to me right before vacation, but I always savor the build up to the thing I am excited about. We went camping this weekend, the full nine yards but with one friend (another 8 yr old girl) in tow hoping that it would suppress the boredom for my boyfriend's daughter. It did to an extent but I was taught a swift lesson. Not only were there the girls but my nephew brought his step son and a friend as well both under the age of 12. Due to my obsessive worrying I did not rest as much as I hoped, it was very little to be frank. I have never had kids, never wanted any, but I knowingly fell in love with a man who has a child. I have come to the conclusion that she was brought to help me in my journey of healing as a representation of little Jen and she is. I struggle through her struggles, and I cry internally when I know she has to go home on sunday night just as I did as a kid. She always wants to stay but cannot due to the separation.
The two girls and boys did alright surprisingly and it made me proud that I had organized this for his daughter to have a friend to play with, BUT it gave me no rest. From the 7am wake up for bathroom escorts to the "stop it! you are being annoying!" at 11 pm after they were suppose to be in bed, to who will feed them, what if she drowns...the list goes on. My niece in law turned and said Jen! Even when you are sitting you aren't really sitting. My nervous energy is felt by the sensitive and I am looking for that change. Learning to deal with stress better and to let some of my need for control go is important to me for my mental and physical well being, but letting go is incredibly hard. Being tossed around as a kid makes you more prone to wanting to have everything in control as an adult (or you are just careless and jump out of planes regularly LOL). I unfortunately hae the control issues. And this shown brightly this weekend, I have admitted I need help, and I have to let things go, I can let other people do some of the work and it will be done one way or the other.
It is now sunday after noon and the anxiety is setting in. The restless, something is wrong, but I cant quite put a finger on it, Im way too tired for this, how will I take on the week, can we fly to California so I can run and escape feeling is hitting home. Not wanting to go to work or face reality hits home and my stomach churns. Tears are welling up and I feel really lost and out of sorts right now. I have felt over tired since last night and I have moments where I think I wil run down the street flailing my arms and screaming, but then I think who cares if I do anyway? Its no ones business but mine, but the break down remains placid. I was scrolling through Face book, my one day a week and I saw I had not been invited to a wedding that what I thought was a close friend had had. She moved last year and it was quite upsetting, I came across the pictures and immediately wanted to hurt her for hurting me, for not allowing me to be a part of her ceremony because I had put a lot of time into her, (abandonment rears its ugly head when these things happen and I am not proud of this fact), but I did not, I look at her picture, saw how beautiful she was, wished I could have seen it and logged out. Facebook is a cancer on our society and it causes more pain than people will admit. I am trying to unplug as much as I can, and be focused on me. There is too much garbage dumped into our minds, over stimulation is promoted as the normal, there is no way to just be anymore, how do we find our zen anyway?
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