Daily gratitude

I wonder sometimes when I look at my life how I got so lucky. A home, my own business, almost a college graduate, a loving partner, a beautiful step child to embrace and yet I still feel empty. I take the time to remind myself of what I have, and want nothing more than to feel grateful and content, but it seems to airse only in moments of total stillness. When I wake in the morning I feel just blah then anxiety sets in and I dread getting out of bed. Sometimes I feel really out of place in this life. When I was using at least I could ignore my feelings and just be high, not having to face the normalcy of life. Sometimes that is the hardest thing, the deep, dark emptiness inside of me, looming and pulling on my coat tails. I sit and I wait as the waves of anxiety pass over me, but yet I have no answer as to why I feel this way. Granted I am only 2 years into starting to really heal my old wounds so it is quite possible that I am just in fact mourning.

When we spend our lives in a cocoon of pain and hurt, just covering it year after year and running from it, and the time finally comes that you have to face and embrace that pain, it is not an easy thing to do without medication. Granted I have tried anti depressants and found that they merely mask the real core issues inside me, thus this is why I deal with the discomfort day in and out. There are so many things left for me to do and a limited amount of time to do them, there are peoples lives I still need to touch and help, and by doing that it helps me day by day. To find some solace in this life I have avoided is my ultimate goal but at least I know it is out there somewhere. Anxiety is a strange bedfellow and if you allow it, It will take over your life one day, one thought, one moment at a time until you cannot breathe or see straight. It will suck your will and throw you in a deep well because really that is where we are most comfortable, in a dark place where we have to deal with on one. Anxiety can be over bearing and quarrelsome and really truly dibelitating. The fear it feeds off of is deep and scarring and if we allow it, it will become who we are.

I no longer claim my anxiety, I do not say "my anxiety or my depression" anymore because they do not deserve those titles in my body or mind. They are not mine, I do not want to own them and refuse now. I find humor when I can, I bring love to whom I can, and try to do my best to be a good person every day, even when I am uncomfortable or in pain. It is how I know I am human after all.