Kittens got the blues

I found myself wondering today if it is all worth it. The pain, the discomfort, the agonizing over little things day in and day out. What makes it worth all this 5 days a week when you only get 2 days of I feel alright? I still haven't come to a conclusion on that thought, perhaps it is very normal what I am experience and I just don't know it? I wish for a few moments I could step into someone Else's mind and feel what they do. I remember the only time I have ever felt really alive and happy was when I was using adderal, but alas that is not the best thing for me and my anxiety. Why should I have to take a drug to feel happy or normal? I know people who take pills now and they still don't feel alright, just manageable they say. Over stimulation from our society, ads being jammed down our throats, porn on daytime tv, and drama being main lined into our brains to keep us addicted to being wired and full of drama. Perhaps that is where my sadness comes from, the with drawl of drama. My inner kid thrives on it, she craves it, especially when bored and I used to feed it to her in massive quantity.

I do realize now that wont make me happy. Most days I want to interact with other mammals, mainly my pets and my boyfriend but that about draws the line. I worry too much about other people when really they aren't worrying about me, why such and such a person passes my thoughts, I cannot say, I know I do not pass theirs. Perhaps when I am spending my time on the thought of other people, I need to turn it to me and say what do you need to do to be happy in this moment. Living in the now is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and it is through baby steps, that I am trying to weave my way out of this ball of emotional yarn I am wrapped in. I have a wonderful life, I am so very blessed, I have 2 loving and supportive best friends who I fully trust, a fantastic boyfriend, I am 2 semesters from graduation with my A.A., I am buying a home, and I own my own business, so "why the long face?" Perhaps it is being stable that causes that, the mundane of doing the same thing day in and out that gets to me, or its the drama withdrawal.

My cat seems to follow my moods and as my boyfriend held him this afternoon he mewed and bit at his arm, I wonder sometimes is he picking up on my mood? Perhaps, but I found it quite humorous to see my emotional state through a feline. We go day in and day out, working today for Friday, and yet the emptiness still prevails. Knowing how fast time is slipping by I still find myself looking forward, yearning for it to go faster? Strangely enough I allowed myself to let some control go last night and not remind my boyfriend of things that needed to be done, I think I will just not give a crap for a while and let the house get dirty.