The Real Punching Bag

We have put up the punching bag. I watched as my boyfriend climed into our attic, drill in hand to conqur the celing and make it his bitch. Hot, sweaty, stinky, the dust forcing him to cough, the dark forcing his eyes to shift, he found himself up in that triangle box taking on an invisible screw. He was successful, the bag was installed and I cannot wait to unleash some of this pent up anger I have brewing beneith the surface of my depression...amen to that.

Chances are my anxiety could get worse or I could cry at random and feel utterly hopeless from my subconscious being pryed open by a Mind Mechanic, I am assessing a pretty good chance. Since last night have had more anxiety and depression in a very long time, but I was warned that I may be experiencing more of the depression. I feel like my blankey has been taken from me. I was told today that NORMAL people don't have to create coping skills to make it through life, that came as a shock to me considering I had always thought that was a normal thing. Everything I thought I knew is wrong, and it has shaken me to my core.

My coping skill was to run, always, and I did. Anytime those love hormones stopped or I came down off my high, I was off to the races, running to avoid commiting to anything really. My fear of owning  a home, being settled, or having kids, all have been formed from my experiences. So when my boyfriend came along, he offered all thins I was afraid of including safety, stability, and some sense of value. He loves all of me, ALL OF ME, even the dark parts that I never shared with anyone but him and he has never used those things against me like some in the past.

Now I am finally in a position where I am stopping the running and facing the beast that has tormented me for many years. I am armed with my writing, painting, my friends, my family, and the knowledge that I have obtained. This therapy is a 6 week system and from what I can see from my experience yesterday and today, it is going to be interesting. It is my journey, my own time to finally come out of my cocoon and spread my wings, (sounds cliché I know) but that really is what is happening. I have spent years hiding behind this thing I created to protect myself, but I am finally in a safe enough place to come out and explore without fear or doubt. And the thing I wanted more as a child, someone to spend my time with, love and accept me has happened as well, I just have to be brave enough to reach out and grab it without fear.