Fog

It is relentless, it is gray and claustrophobic. It reminds me of the anxiety and sadness I carry. I can look out and see the gray sky and the dampness that follows October dwelling. A small part of me manages to be excited for the holidays upcoming, but at the same time I am remorseful as I know they will end and the cycle will begin again. I think some days if I were happier and more content I would handle all of this like a breeze and really it wouldn't bother me, and I know this is true, but I am learning to accept the anxiety and depression as part of who I am. I guess somewhere along the line, I needed to deal with all the sadness and pain I repressed for so long, and I just hope that all this junk I feel is just grief. I have never lost my appetite or my motivation for what I know I have to do, but yet I feel like I have a kid at my heals dragging me and slowing me down.

Most days I feel a deeper calling to run and go do whatever it is my psyche thinks I am missing out on, but I know those are ancient feelings from my childhood and do not really serve who I am becoming now. Part of me is holding on to the familiar. I wish sometimes I could meet someone who feels these things, but with an explanation so I can go ok, that is what is wrong with me, perhaps it is something else I really don't know. Some days I feel crazy and I wish that I could just loose it and be done with it all, but it never happens. It is an endless cycle that I am searching for a way out of. Hopefully with diet changes and some labs I can come to a different conclusion and start a new change.

Anxiety is a strange bedfellow. I am afraid to do things on my own but I know I have to and I do. I long to run, but don't want to leave where I am. Is there a happy medium?