Falling to fall

It came back. The doom and gloom, pulling on my heartstrings, making me ask if I am going crazy and begging internally to be released from the pain of it. It's like gnawing feeling, a child tugging on your coat, trying to walk through snow that's too deep. It just stays with me all the time. I have moments of time where I feel ok and I function then commend myself for being so brave to do it all again today, but this is no way to live my life. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, never felt like I fit in, or really mattered. And there is part of me that is blocking that ability to feel, breathe, and just live my life as a normal person some days and I don't really know why. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for my mistakes growing up, but a lot of those were not my fault, I was young, I didn't know better. As a love addict or any addict for that matter we do things because it feels good right in that moment, and to have to struggle through the pain and find some sort of clarity inside of ourselves that is screaming YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH that is a feat in itself. Through all the therapy, the journaling, the exercise, the eating right, and still it prevails to leave me. Perhaps I do need medication I don't really know anymore, what I do know is I am tired of this, I deserve more, and I don't want to have this weighing on me daily.

The simple truth is, I could deal with this once in a while, even 3 times a week, but it seems to be daily again, and it is relentless, whatever IT is. I have more tests from the Dr's office to do, so hopefully it is some sort of nutirional thing or perhaps it is just the really desperate inner self of my child self crying once again because she is afraid. There is so much pain in there still to cover, wish me luck.